Movies you don't want to see reviewed by someone who didn't see them: February 2017 edition

Good day! I say good day!

Welcome to another edition of MOVIES YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE REVIEWED BY SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T SEE THEM.

THE GREAT WALL starring everyone's favorite weird-face, Matt Damon.

This movie means business. Matt Damon stars as Billy Chen-Lee Jones, an entrepreneurial college substitute professor who discovers an ancient symbol in the appendix of one of his math book answer keys. He's half Chinese, of course, so he automatically knows that this symbol is a map to the real meaning of the Great Wall. It wasn't to keep out the Mongols! No, it was to keep out an alien race of ghosts called "White People." Billy Chen-Lee Jones discovers this secret and falls in love with a starving laborer at the foot of the wall. She dies, of course, because there is no happiness for a modern hero. He resolves to climb the wall and be the first to ever get to the other side. What was the Great Wall hiding? Billy Chen-Lee Jones discovers it was hiding his personal journey towards a relationship with Christ. It's directed by Mel Gibson and is the sequel to that one fucking movie.

I give this movie one upside down cross.

FIST FIGHT starring Ice Cube and Charlie Day

Movies should never advocate fighting. I hated this movie with every ounce of my being. Two grown men with gainful employment spend all of 121 minutes (because a movie is legally not allowed to be under 2 hours anymore) beating the shit out of each other. Remember that 20 minute scene in John Carpenter's They Live when the two guys have a metaphorical sex scene but instead of dicks and butts, they are just raining down fists on each other? It's like that but sprinkle in a few irritated-Cube looks and trademark Charlie Day confused-face and some Tracy Morgan yelling and... you get the picture. Make sure you watch all the credits. There's promise that a superhero never seen before in the Marvel Cinematic Universe puts on a cape and looks at the camera.

This movie gets one stern talking to from me.

ROCK DOG

Y'all remember Rock Dog's seminal album, This Lipstick Squirts For You? It was a great rock concept album of the early aughts that influenced a whole bunch of jingles for dog food commercials and was a tail-wagging and eye-opening moment for dog food marketers on how to incorporate sex into advertising to animals. Tragically Rock Dog collapsed under the weight of Fame, his feline drug dealer with whom he maintained sexual relations. He once famously said, "Hell, yeah I'm fucking a cat because a bitch just gives me a litter. A cat doesn't say shit, just puts her pants back on and gets on with her day." It was a low-point of his career. Jay-Z, inspired by Rock Dog's comments wrote 99 Problems. Rock Dog saw this as an insult and the two never spoke again.

Now that I've given you the rundown, which I'm sure you didn't need because Rock Dog was such a big part of millenial culture, let me tell you about the movie. This movie is about Rock Dog as he lived and died. Sure there's a little bit of the same old, same old biopic airbrushing (Rock Dog wasn't really all that involved in the anti-neutering marches of 2003) but all in all, it's about as balanced as you can get for doggumentary on a fucking dog. 

I give this movie one reserved arf and two newspapers to the nose. 

Movies You Don't Want to See Reviewed by Someone Who Didn't See Them: Epic Star Stuff Edition

Greetings. I am here to review the movies you never admitted you don't want to see. So next time you're at a party and you have to fake you've seen movies to round off the edges*, let this be your guide.

 

INTERSTELLAR

This is typical Christopher Nolan stuff. It starts with a big idea and ends with an actor ejaculating all over himself about some nonsense nobody cares about. Nolan's Memento was a great piece of comedy because the whole time you have no idea it's just one long masturbation joke until the end with that expertly filmed bathroom shot of the main character looking at himself in the mirror. You realize, Oh! He's not squinting because he's trying to read his tattoos!

Nothing like a mirror to get in the mood.

Matthew McConaughey may have won an Oscar for the biopic of Dallas Cowboys' owner, Jerry Jones, in Dallas Buyers Club but we all know his best work was in a Lincoln commercial. He convinced me so thoroughly he was a douchebag and had no concept of the lines he was forced to read. He just reads them in a raspy voice and guesses as to what emotion to attach to them. Maybe he's brilliant.

Anyways, Interstellar is not what you think it is. It's a ghost movie that can never really decide on the metaphysical properties of ghosts. Are they supernatural? Are they echoes from a rip in space-time? Are they interdimensional beings just fucking with us? Nolan doesn't decide. He just flicks that little plot line into the story and bets on the fact that we, like rabid dogs, will worship his toes because of its complexity. 

Interstellar was done before and it was done better. I've got four names for you. Tommy Lee Jones, Clint Eastwood, Donald Sutherland, and James Garner. 

Republicans... IN SPACE

Motherfuckin' Space Cowboys, man. Space Cowboys was done without any of the pretension of Interstellar and all of the emotional impacts were delivered on the far less malleable face of Clint Eastwood. 

Blah, blah, blah, Matthew McConaughey drives a Lincoln into an asteroid belt, warps to another planet, and sends one last text message to his daughter before the uncaring vacuum of space rips his face off his bones and turns his bones back into star stuff. The end.

STAR WARS VII: The Force Awakens

Before we begin here's a trigger alert: I do not care too much for Star Wars. Stop reading if you are tempted to commit violence upon my face. 

Blue really accents Mars' more understated features.

I, like any other self-respecting American, am fascinated by space and the possibility of other worlds and the species that inhabit them so that we may exploit them for material gain, but apart from the visual aspect of Star Wars, I could never get into the story. There are good characters. There are good lines. I just don't get why Luke gave up on Leia just because she was his sister. Han Solo stared him down in a pissing contest and won. Hats off to Luke, though; I can't even pee in a public restroom.

I looked up piss shy and got this. If he can't pee while one man in vest rubs his shoulders and another stares at his ass, it must be because he's got an erection.

It's an interesting take J.J. Abraham's decided to go with for the Force Awakens. The story focuses on nothing in particular. It meanders through the daily life of a down-and-out failed writer as he travels from planet to planet looking for inspiration for his Great Tatooine Novel.

Along the way, he runs into women who try to help him but end up being related to him. He meets an older man named Handless Luke, they become lovers, but their relationship deteriorates over an imbalanced distribution of hand jobs.

Redesigned ewok. 

Some guy walks around in a Darth Vader suit even though everyone knows the Jedi danced all over his body with a bunch of horny furries. Turns out the guy in the Darth Vader suit is just a metaphor for our unnamed protagonist's dark heart. It can only be defeated through love. But is he capable of such a force?

That force, my friends, awakens.

JURASSIC WORLD

Derpy, derpy, didn't you science folks think that maybe creating a dinosaur maybe wasn't so smart, maybe? Take that smarty-pants, evolutionists and global warmists.

That's the message of this movie. Science is big and cool and can do cool shit like make nuclear bombs and dinosaurs but when it all comes down to it, a snarky, smooth talking, pudgy white guy is smarter than all of science combined and it's all brawn over brains when a flock of fucked-up raptors is aiming for your nutsack. Aiming for your nutsack to cut it off with their big toe fang and eat it like chicken liver, if you didn't understand the danger.

There's a love story here, too. It's the tired old love story between a Hollywood production company and the car company that pays for this 120 minute commercial. Hey, now I know that when I'm being chased by Frankensteinasaur, only a Volvo has the steel frame that can save my eyeballs from popping out of my face while my skull is turning into a million little pieces of utter godlessness. 

That's it, folks.

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