Tuesday, June 11, 2019

The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest: My Foot's Asleep Deluxe! Edition!

Please stop inject Mountain Dew straight into the veins of your armpits. 1) it's bad for you 2) it hurts me to think about 3) Mountain Dew wasn't made to do that.

They smell like they haven't wiped their asses in ages.

I sentence you to death.

Doc, this couch is sopping wet.

Hey! There's a new Deerman for Patrons! Click here! Become a patron!





Eat a friggin' carrot.


Sunday, April 21, 2019

Game of Thrones

I planned on writing a post for the Game of Thrones premiere but Elizabeth Warren beat me to it.

I've said good things about all candidates but I've got a friend who, despite his best intentions, is a total twat online about his love for Barnhard Sandora. He posted, "Thank you for your smile, your encouragement, your [it goes on for a paragraph]. Thank you, Bronie Sumter." It could have ended with "Jesus" or "Cosmic Center."

Here's where I rate all Democratic candidates.

ANDREW YANG NEEDS $1000 A MONTH TO BUY A TIE

PETE BUTTIGIEG NEEDS A MORE STYLISH BOWL FOR HIS MOTHER TO PUT ATOP HIS DOME

BERNIE WANTS UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE BECAUSE THAT BANDAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON HIS PENIS BUT HE HAD TO GO TO THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE FOR AN AFFORDABLE PROCEDURE

ELIZABETH WARREN WANTS TO TAKE A MIRROR OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE BATHROOM AND STAND BEHIND IT TO WAIT FOR TRUMP TO SEE IF HE NOTICES THAT IT'S JUST HER PLAYING A PRANK

AMY KLOBUCHAR THREW THIS FROM THE BOTTOM OF THIS LIST. IT HIT BERNIE IN THE PENIS.

JULIAN CASTRO STRUGGLES TO STAND OUT

HAD TO PUT THE CASTRO BROTHERS AND THE BINDER THAT HIT BERNIE IN THE DICK BETWEEN JOE BIDEN AND ELIZABETH WARREN

COREY BOOKER SAYING FUCK BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES HIM

KAMALA HARRIS YELLS AT ALL THE KIDS SHE PUT IN JAIL TO STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

TELL YOUR MOM TO CUT AROUND THIS BOWL, BUTTIGIEG.

GILLIBRAND MAKES A BETTER TV PRESIDENT

STOP THROWING SHIT, AMY. 


Thursday, January 31, 2019

The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest: Gone for half a year and something somebody posted me offended me! edition.

Hey, oh! It's the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest! Woo! A contest I never enter, will never win, and will constantly do because I hate its very existence. A friend of mine once called my attempts "derivative" of his attempts but he ignored the fact that I never entered and mine actually made people laugh every once in a while. Take that, punk ass!

Please go until completion. I can probably get a discount for that. 

The winds of change are upon us. HA! HA! It's a Trump joke. Get it? No? Fuck you, Fascist. 

Constantly with the Mexicans and the refugees, too. Ugh. 

So I said, "Look! If you're going to wave that thing of milk-potatoes at me, at least take me out to dinner before you bend me over and poop in my butt!



And for my next trick, I unshred a document.


This motherfucker forgot to order drinks.



Listen, bitch, if you keep doing that I'm going to have to call your mom. 



This is a really dumb place to live.