Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Thoughts as I eat a quantifiably small order of fries when I clearly ordered a large

Writing 'wash me' on a dirty car is still a pretty funny joke. For as ubiquitous as it is, I still chuckle at the thought of someone seeing a dirty car and doing this. You have to wonder if it's a friend or some stranger looking for a cheap thrill to calm a boner in a public parking lot. Still, I saw a car today that was dirty and someone wrote 'wash me' on it and I'm still thinking about it. Pure gold.

Don't you ever get the feeling you just want to throw a tantrum for no good reason other than there are people who will have to put up with it? Luckily, our better natures take over and we just quietly eat our french fries as if they didn't get our order wrong. I'm told this exact feeling has a word for it in German and a moment like this is what inspired Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman and Manchester by the Sea starring Casey Affleck.

Drinking IPAs doesn't mean you support colonization. Seriously, I saw an argument for that. Feel guilty about everything is the message. Become the Sunday School nun who slaps everyone on the wrist for every minor transgression. I'm not saying don't be thoughtful. I'm saying the sun is going to devour our planet and nothing you currently enjoy will ever exist again. So enjoy it now because Yellowstone might get us before the sun does. Or we live in a false vacuum.

Alex Jones, frog-fearing snowflake, now claims himself as a performance artist. Survivalist multivitamins don't sell themselves, folks.

Listen to me gab with J David Osborne here.

Read The Grim Reader's review of Invasion here.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

New Yorker cartoon caption contest: Apocalypse Edition

It's the end of the world, we all say everyday! Let's caption cartoons like nothing matters!

Your charts say your ass is fire, boi.

This wasn't what I was promised from global capitalism but I know nothing else!

We can make this work if I sit on your face.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Death and Taxes

This was our first year filing federal income taxes as a married couple. We were proud. We got out our best bottle of milk, aged to perfection, and scooped out a tall drinking glass for us to share as we frolicked through our tax forms with much gaiety.

O! O, did we watch as our federal income refund became amount owed!

O! O, did we realize we were eating milk mold!

It was a banner year for the first year of filing jointly. Most of the problem was that the website never allowed me to update my income from prior years so my subsidy was stuck at poverty levels. I, never being one to plan anything with any kind of intelligence, didn't squirrel away any of that money I was pretty sure I'd owe at the end of the year. Instead, I put all that money into squirrel traps and dreams of a big screen TV.

Fear not, friends. I will not own that big screen TV this year. I will not own a single more squirrel trap this year! I will save. I will buy good milk.

All that being said, now's a good time to buy some of my books.

Holy cow! Look!

Naturally, I want you to buy these books from an independent bookstore. Some place like BOOKPEOPLE.

But I realize that this is the internet and you may want other options.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Bizzong, San Antonio Book Festival, and more

Howdy folks.

It is the eve of Invasion Day. Tomorrow, Invasion of the Weirdos will be officially unleashed into the world.

I have a favor to ask of you all. If you live near a bookstore, call in and ask them to carry Invasion of the Weirdos. Special order a copy for yourself. There's no difference in price as of now between Amazon and a bookstore. Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing, my wonderful publisher, has distribution through Ingram and that goes at the regular discount to so many bookstores. Help Invasion get national reach.

The Bizzong Podcast had me on recently and we chatted about a whole lot. Check it out here!

Hey! San Antonio! I'll be signing books, shaking hands, and doodling for you at the San Antonio Book Fest. I'll be there all goddamn day because that's the way I do these things. So, come down and say hi! That's this Saturday from 9am to whenever.

Here are just a few places you can buy Invasion of the Weirdos from:

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Oh, how I love Weird Meat Buffet

Listen, you pig eating, sentient orifices of food consumption. Weird Meat Buffet is here and it's ready to be shoved into your head.

I've got a story in there called the Pooter Poppum Person and it's pretty rad. Everything else in there is pretty cool too. So check it out!

Also!! My novel Invasion of the Weirdos is coming out on Tuesday!!!!!! Here are some links to buy it.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Talking during movies

I went to see a movie the other day. It was called Texas Two Step or maybe it was just Two Step. I know I'm becoming a Texan more and more everyday because I'm compelled to put Texas in front of everything.

The movie was all right. It did some good things. I'm not here to review the movie. This isn't about the movie. This is about the audience.

I'm there, not eating popcorn because every time I eat popcorn I lose another tooth. I'm minding my own business. I turn my cell phone OFF because silent isn't enough. I'm there to see the goddamn flick. Right before the movie starts, some dude comes in behind me and sits next to his friends. He complained he saw only one movie during SXSW because the "lines were too long." I just had this feeling about the guy. I knew he was a fucking talker.

The people he was sitting with were happy to see him. Maybe he was the friend-group's film buff.

"Oooooh," the lady says, "You went to SXSW?"

Yes, lady! He just said he saw one movie. It was an abject failure.

But of course he elaborates on this non-story. "Yeah, I could only see the shorts feature because I couldn't get into anything else."

First things first, people. If you only got into one movie with a wristband, it's because you didn't try. There are plenty of movies nobody else wanted to see. I got into Assholes no problem because that movie was awful and everyone but me knew it.

Second things second, gente del mundo. Why even elaborate on this? Jesus Christ.

The movie gets started and I hear the most annoying of whispers. The lady says in a loud whisper, "This was filmed at my friend's house."

Now, I'm about ready to jump out of my seat and start strangling people but I keep calm because I'm concerned I'll ruin everybody else's movie going experience if I start partaking in a little casual murder. This sets off a conversation that lasts the entire movie.

"Is this the house?"


"Oh, this must be the house."

"No, I don't think so."

"Is her house the liquor store?"

"Is she homeless? Is her house that street?"

Finally, I go nuclear. I turn around and shush. The lady says, "Bless you."

What took me forty five minutes to muster was mistaken by the object of my hatred as a sneeze.

Why talk in a theater? Nobody gives a fuck where the movie was filmed. If you were in the movie, you wouldn't say anything. You'd wait until somebody noticed and then say something like, "Oh, it was nothing. I can't even act! BUY ME DINNER, SLAVE."

Rant over.

Invasion of the Weirdos comes out on Tuesday. I'm so excited. Go pre-order the damn thing. 

Weird Meat Buffet is an anthology that is going to come out in the next 24 hours. I'll keep you posted. Catfish McDaris is in it. I'm in it. Jack Arambula's in it. Cheryl Couture, Robert Dean, and many more. It's good. It's real fun.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Trump gets Comey-ed

Donald Trump got Comey-ed yesterday. Ask Hillary Clinton how it feels. She's currently a few months into her "I lost everything beard."

I don't think a mass of coagulated smegma can grow a beard so Donald Trump doesn't have to worry about that.

Donald Trump is under investigation by the FBI. I think that's a pretty big deal but there's something else that's tickling my taint. I've got friends on facebook eating each other alive over how they fight the Donald Trump regime.

Some folks say Russia is a distraction for real issues. Some folks say tax returns are unimportant. Some folks say the exact opposite. Then they turn their fury towards each other until they are inevitably deemed racist.

There is no way to fight Donald Trump on facebook. Who gives a fuck if somebody posts an article about Russia? Who gives a fuck if somebody posts a super-impotence-inducing wonky op-ed about the intricacies of Donald Trump's tariff on Mexican Muslims? Donald Trump isn't reading your posts. Nobody is reading your posts. The only people reading your posts are people who want to actively disagree with you. Donald Trump can't see your posts if they're set to "Friends Only."

Comrade Donald IS under investigation by the FBI. That's kind of a big deal. Maybe it's not so much of a distraction anymore. Other intellectual issues are also important. Why can't I have bacon with my salad? I want it all but I what I want most is for everyone to stop policing everyone else's opinions as if their opinions will somehow reach the ear of Donald Trump and turn him into a dildo.

Listen, Captain Smarty Pants. I wish we were all talking about the criminally underfunded Russian language classes in public schools but I'm also heating up popcorn in the microwave to watch this Russia drama unfold. Sure, it may amount to nothing but Benghazi and emails got Trey Gowdy hard for half a decade. Just look how tight his face is.

Maybe this is the invigorating blue pill that will ride us back into the White House.

I don't know. You don't know. None of us know. All I know is if Paul Manafort was irradiated on the steps of the Kremlin, Republicans would be mad that that information got out considering the Kremlin turns off their cameras every time somebody gets assassinated on the property. Leakers!