Saturday, May 20, 2017

Upcoming events

Well, howdy folks. 

Nina and I have been living it up on Isla Holbox in Mexico. It was great. My brain was erased with relaxation. There was very limited access to the internet and nobody spoke about Donald Trump. Every American should treat themselves to that kind of gift. 

We spoke a lot of bad Spanish. I kept saying camerones because that means shrimp and our waiter did his best dumb American impression and said, "Oh, you want SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEMP?" I felt very self-conscious. I ate so much shrimp that my taint fell out. Just imagine that. Oh, it was great. 

I've got a few events coming up. 

First things first.






Sunday, May 7, 2017

Advice given in the throes of a toothache

1. Don't cut your arm off. As annoying as clipping fingernails is with your non-dominant hand is, you're going to need that hand to hold your cellphone with as you wipe.



2. A day is as much as a night is in terms of sunlight, just the exact opposite. Go read a book on Eastern philosophy. It makes sense to someone.



3. If Jesus was so cool, why didn't he wear Wayfarers? You want to be cool, I mean, Bob fucking Dylan cool? Get some Ray Bans and tell daddy-o to fuck off.


4. Start quitting cigarettes by sticking them up your ass. You'll develop a resistance to putting those same cigarettes in your mouth. Trust me.


5. Post on Facebook about the French election like you're an expert. All your friends will heap praise on you even though you thought a bill was a law automatically because Paul Ryan rubbed his nuts on it.



6. This advice is in jail for making fun of Jeff "Cyst Lips" Sessions and under investigation by the FCC because we live in Russia now.



7. Grab a sledgehammer and just bash it against your teeth. You don't need them anyways when the robots take over and use our toothless mouths to age their cheese in.



8. Read my last post.

9. Buy my books.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Everyone is made of skin

Hello, folks!

It's been awhile. I did it again! I promised myself to stay in touch with the internet but instead, I retreated into my own toothaches!

It's true, it's true! I'm experiencing toothaches!

I did One Page Salon this past Tuesday. It was so fun that Owen Egerton ripped my shirt off and I was able to secure some funding for hummusballgag.com. I secured so much funding that I created srirachaballgag.com. Right now they just redirect here but someday I will have prototypes.


This post is just here to tell you that I will be having a big fuckin' release party for Invasion of the Weirdos at BookPeople. Click here. 

Invite your friends! Invite your enemies! Invite everyone! Woo!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Thoughts as I eat a quantifiably small order of fries when I clearly ordered a large

Writing 'wash me' on a dirty car is still a pretty funny joke. For as ubiquitous as it is, I still chuckle at the thought of someone seeing a dirty car and doing this. You have to wonder if it's a friend or some stranger looking for a cheap thrill to calm a boner in a public parking lot. Still, I saw a car today that was dirty and someone wrote 'wash me' on it and I'm still thinking about it. Pure gold.



Don't you ever get the feeling you just want to throw a tantrum for no good reason other than there are people who will have to put up with it? Luckily, our better natures take over and we just quietly eat our french fries as if they didn't get our order wrong. I'm told this exact feeling has a word for it in German and a moment like this is what inspired Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman and Manchester by the Sea starring Casey Affleck.

Drinking IPAs doesn't mean you support colonization. Seriously, I saw an argument for that. Feel guilty about everything is the message. Become the Sunday School nun who slaps everyone on the wrist for every minor transgression. I'm not saying don't be thoughtful. I'm saying the sun is going to devour our planet and nothing you currently enjoy will ever exist again. So enjoy it now because Yellowstone might get us before the sun does. Or we live in a false vacuum.

Alex Jones, frog-fearing snowflake, now claims himself as a performance artist. Survivalist multivitamins don't sell themselves, folks.



Listen to me gab with J David Osborne here.

Read The Grim Reader's review of Invasion here.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

New Yorker cartoon caption contest: Apocalypse Edition

It's the end of the world, we all say everyday! Let's caption cartoons like nothing matters!

Your charts say your ass is fire, boi.

This wasn't what I was promised from global capitalism but I know nothing else!

We can make this work if I sit on your face.





Friday, April 7, 2017

Death and Taxes

This was our first year filing federal income taxes as a married couple. We were proud. We got out our best bottle of milk, aged to perfection, and scooped out a tall drinking glass for us to share as we frolicked through our tax forms with much gaiety.

O! O, did we watch as our federal income refund became amount owed!

O! O, did we realize we were eating milk mold!

It was a banner year for the first year of filing jointly. Most of the problem was that the healthcare.gov website never allowed me to update my income from prior years so my subsidy was stuck at poverty levels. I, never being one to plan anything with any kind of intelligence, didn't squirrel away any of that money I was pretty sure I'd owe at the end of the year. Instead, I put all that money into squirrel traps and dreams of a big screen TV.

Fear not, friends. I will not own that big screen TV this year. I will not own a single more squirrel trap this year! I will save. I will buy good milk.

All that being said, now's a good time to buy some of my books.

Holy cow! Look!

Naturally, I want you to buy these books from an independent bookstore. Some place like BOOKPEOPLE.

But I realize that this is the internet and you may want other options.







Monday, April 3, 2017

Bizzong, San Antonio Book Festival, and more

Howdy folks.



It is the eve of Invasion Day. Tomorrow, Invasion of the Weirdos will be officially unleashed into the world.

I have a favor to ask of you all. If you live near a bookstore, call in and ask them to carry Invasion of the Weirdos. Special order a copy for yourself. There's no difference in price as of now between Amazon and a bookstore. Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing, my wonderful publisher, has distribution through Ingram and that goes at the regular discount to so many bookstores. Help Invasion get national reach.

The Bizzong Podcast had me on recently and we chatted about a whole lot. Check it out here!

Hey! San Antonio! I'll be signing books, shaking hands, and doodling for you at the San Antonio Book Fest. I'll be there all goddamn day because that's the way I do these things. So, come down and say hi! That's this Saturday from 9am to whenever.

Here are just a few places you can buy Invasion of the Weirdos from: