One brutal and fucked up morning, a bunch of very hungry people woke up with an unquenchable hatred and a thirst for violence. So what they did, let me tell you, was incredibly fucked up.
Every day they heard the menacing gobble-gobbles of sure-footed fat birds. The village children trembled when they heard the ruffling of feathers and the swinging of that flappy red thing on their beaks. And the squawking -- don't get me started on the squawking. These fat birds fucked and fought at the same volume: loud. It sounded like babies screaming or cats screaming or if a dog sounded like a baby screaming.
The village had had enough. When they woke up that morning, they knew. They looked at each other very knowingly. Some villagers even winked at each other. Some of them licked their lips and some of them did the universal sign for eating pussy. But they all knew what they were actually saying to each other: them turkeys are done. The village agreed to commit violence.
One by one, those fat birds were picked off with muskets, rocks, and whatever else was in grabbing distance for killing. One little psychopath, still too young even know how to spell poultry, tried stuffing one turkey into another turkey but he couldn't quite get it so he started stuffing smaller things into the turkey. His family watched in horror as he fingered away at his creation of morbid decadence. Their horror was no match for their hunger as they buried their faces into a perfectly cooked dish of depravity. This tradition continued for thousands of years until the humiliation behind the tradition was forgotten and we, as filthy Americans, salivate over a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey.
People ask when it was that America lost its way. Was it the year Millard Fillmore changed his name from Hamburger Sweetmeat? Was it the year William Henry Harrison said in an interview that his beard doubles as a cock ring? Was it the year Bill Clinton revealed his tongue was actually a small creature from a faraway planet? No, friends. It was the first fucking Thanksgiving. That's when America lost its way. And that was pretty fucking early. Pretty much as soon as they arrived.