Thursday, January 31, 2019

The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest: Gone for half a year and something somebody posted me offended me! edition.

Hey, oh! It's the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest! Woo! A contest I never enter, will never win, and will constantly do because I hate its very existence. A friend of mine once called my attempts "derivative" of his attempts but he ignored the fact that I never entered and mine actually made people laugh every once in a while. Take that, punk ass!

Please go until completion. I can probably get a discount for that. 

The winds of change are upon us. HA! HA! It's a Trump joke. Get it? No? Fuck you, Fascist. 

Constantly with the Mexicans and the refugees, too. Ugh. 

So I said, "Look! If you're going to wave that thing of milk-potatoes at me, at least take me out to dinner before you bend me over and poop in my butt!

And for my next trick, I unshred a document.

This motherfucker forgot to order drinks.

Listen, bitch, if you keep doing that I'm going to have to call your mom. 

This is a really dumb place to live. 

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Friday, January 25, 2019

Doodle a Day #1

You're not brushing vigorously enough. 

The Right Wing Loves Beards Now So I Shaved My Face and Discovered Missing Chins

Ted Cruz, begat from slime secreted out of the asshole of a toad and some foot cheese that was scraped off with a rock somewhere in Canada, now has a beard. It is disturbing because it makes him look more human. It is disturbing because it gives definition to a face that once was the vocal sac used to attract amphibian partners once a year. It is disturbing most because when I looked in the mirror, I realized Ted Cruz was copying me.

A human family held hostage by a frog-and-foot-cheese hybrid smiles to avoid the wrath of an overactive vocal sac

Now, a little Trump has a beard. A face which once had no shape, now has a visible border between neck and face. He built a goddamn wall on his face to give more shape to his body than what once appeared like a discarded condom on a couch at a frat house. 

Someone played Wooly Willy with his face

I was defeated. The right wing has appropriated the last vestige of my my teenaged communism. I had a beard because Karl Marx had a beard and everyone knows he spent hours combing vaginal fluids out of it (because it was so sexy). Now the right wing wears a beard like they love Russia or something. 

I got out my Mach-Whatever razor and spent minutes scraping off my cheeks. I did the normal things one does when shaving their face off. I gave myself long sideburns, I gave myself a goatee, I gave myself the GG Allin. I laughed and sobbed as my tears and beard hair mixed into a beautiful kaleidoscope as they circled the drain of my sink. 

"Goodbye, youth!" I thought to myself. I imagined myself blowing the candles of a birthday cake. It was a new year. It is a new me. 

I had four chins. 

You should start listening to We Shot Mr. Burns.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

I am a scatter-brain and highly impatient, hear me scream!


I am very scatter-brained and highly impatient. People close to me know that very intimately. People who do not see me very often just see me as whatever they see me as: a SPAM eating fat ass with facial hair trimmed for a taint.

That has nothing to do with anything.

I am hosting Owen Egerton's One Page Salon at the North Door on July 3rd. It will be a grand old time with great friends and lots of heckling! Click here. 

Also, the Cockroach Conservatory Vol. 1 release party is on July 13th which is a Friday which means it will be bad luck if you miss it. Click here. 

I also want to tell you about some changes that will be happening to my Patreon.

Deerman is continuing! Never fear! But my Patreon is expanding its scope and will be changing to support Cockroach Conservatory projects. Deerman is one of them. So, instead of supporting and getting only ONE podcast, you'll be supporting and getting many podcasts and stories.

The Cockroach Conservatory's main mission is to spotlight the weird and to pay the writers and artists that bring the weird to us. We're doing a magazine and the Patreon will help offset some of the costs associated with producing it. Not only will the Patreon support that, it will support a growing library of crazy ideas for podcasts, web-shows, and live events. If you haven't heard any of this until now, check out the website and check out the podcast. Pre-order the magazine here.

 That's all for now, friends. Thanks for your eyeballs!