Saturday, May 20, 2017

Upcoming events

Well, howdy folks. 

Nina and I have been living it up on Isla Holbox in Mexico. It was great. My brain was erased with relaxation. There was very limited access to the internet and nobody spoke about Donald Trump. Every American should treat themselves to that kind of gift. 

We spoke a lot of bad Spanish. I kept saying camerones because that means shrimp and our waiter did his best dumb American impression and said, "Oh, you want SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEMP?" I felt very self-conscious. I ate so much shrimp that my taint fell out. Just imagine that. Oh, it was great. 

I've got a few events coming up. 

First things first.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Advice given in the throes of a toothache

1. Don't cut your arm off. As annoying as clipping fingernails is with your non-dominant hand is, you're going to need that hand to hold your cellphone with as you wipe.

2. A day is as much as a night is in terms of sunlight, just the exact opposite. Go read a book on Eastern philosophy. It makes sense to someone.

3. If Jesus was so cool, why didn't he wear Wayfarers? You want to be cool, I mean, Bob fucking Dylan cool? Get some Ray Bans and tell daddy-o to fuck off.

4. Start quitting cigarettes by sticking them up your ass. You'll develop a resistance to putting those same cigarettes in your mouth. Trust me.

5. Post on Facebook about the French election like you're an expert. All your friends will heap praise on you even though you thought a bill was a law automatically because Paul Ryan rubbed his nuts on it.

6. This advice is in jail for making fun of Jeff "Cyst Lips" Sessions and under investigation by the FCC because we live in Russia now.

7. Grab a sledgehammer and just bash it against your teeth. You don't need them anyways when the robots take over and use our toothless mouths to age their cheese in.

8. Read my last post.

9. Buy my books.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Everyone is made of skin

Hello, folks!

It's been awhile. I did it again! I promised myself to stay in touch with the internet but instead, I retreated into my own toothaches!

It's true, it's true! I'm experiencing toothaches!

I did One Page Salon this past Tuesday. It was so fun that Owen Egerton ripped my shirt off and I was able to secure some funding for I secured so much funding that I created Right now they just redirect here but someday I will have prototypes.

This post is just here to tell you that I will be having a big fuckin' release party for Invasion of the Weirdos at BookPeople. Click here. 

Invite your friends! Invite your enemies! Invite everyone! Woo!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Thoughts as I eat a quantifiably small order of fries when I clearly ordered a large

Writing 'wash me' on a dirty car is still a pretty funny joke. For as ubiquitous as it is, I still chuckle at the thought of someone seeing a dirty car and doing this. You have to wonder if it's a friend or some stranger looking for a cheap thrill to calm a boner in a public parking lot. Still, I saw a car today that was dirty and someone wrote 'wash me' on it and I'm still thinking about it. Pure gold.

Don't you ever get the feeling you just want to throw a tantrum for no good reason other than there are people who will have to put up with it? Luckily, our better natures take over and we just quietly eat our french fries as if they didn't get our order wrong. I'm told this exact feeling has a word for it in German and a moment like this is what inspired Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman and Manchester by the Sea starring Casey Affleck.

Drinking IPAs doesn't mean you support colonization. Seriously, I saw an argument for that. Feel guilty about everything is the message. Become the Sunday School nun who slaps everyone on the wrist for every minor transgression. I'm not saying don't be thoughtful. I'm saying the sun is going to devour our planet and nothing you currently enjoy will ever exist again. So enjoy it now because Yellowstone might get us before the sun does. Or we live in a false vacuum.

Alex Jones, frog-fearing snowflake, now claims himself as a performance artist. Survivalist multivitamins don't sell themselves, folks.

Listen to me gab with J David Osborne here.

Read The Grim Reader's review of Invasion here.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

New Yorker cartoon caption contest: Apocalypse Edition

It's the end of the world, we all say everyday! Let's caption cartoons like nothing matters!

Your charts say your ass is fire, boi.

This wasn't what I was promised from global capitalism but I know nothing else!

We can make this work if I sit on your face.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Death and Taxes

This was our first year filing federal income taxes as a married couple. We were proud. We got out our best bottle of milk, aged to perfection, and scooped out a tall drinking glass for us to share as we frolicked through our tax forms with much gaiety.

O! O, did we watch as our federal income refund became amount owed!

O! O, did we realize we were eating milk mold!

It was a banner year for the first year of filing jointly. Most of the problem was that the website never allowed me to update my income from prior years so my subsidy was stuck at poverty levels. I, never being one to plan anything with any kind of intelligence, didn't squirrel away any of that money I was pretty sure I'd owe at the end of the year. Instead, I put all that money into squirrel traps and dreams of a big screen TV.

Fear not, friends. I will not own that big screen TV this year. I will not own a single more squirrel trap this year! I will save. I will buy good milk.

All that being said, now's a good time to buy some of my books.

Holy cow! Look!

Naturally, I want you to buy these books from an independent bookstore. Some place like BOOKPEOPLE.

But I realize that this is the internet and you may want other options.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Bizzong, San Antonio Book Festival, and more

Howdy folks.

It is the eve of Invasion Day. Tomorrow, Invasion of the Weirdos will be officially unleashed into the world.

I have a favor to ask of you all. If you live near a bookstore, call in and ask them to carry Invasion of the Weirdos. Special order a copy for yourself. There's no difference in price as of now between Amazon and a bookstore. Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing, my wonderful publisher, has distribution through Ingram and that goes at the regular discount to so many bookstores. Help Invasion get national reach.

The Bizzong Podcast had me on recently and we chatted about a whole lot. Check it out here!

Hey! San Antonio! I'll be signing books, shaking hands, and doodling for you at the San Antonio Book Fest. I'll be there all goddamn day because that's the way I do these things. So, come down and say hi! That's this Saturday from 9am to whenever.

Here are just a few places you can buy Invasion of the Weirdos from:

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Oh, how I love Weird Meat Buffet

Listen, you pig eating, sentient orifices of food consumption. Weird Meat Buffet is here and it's ready to be shoved into your head.

I've got a story in there called the Pooter Poppum Person and it's pretty rad. Everything else in there is pretty cool too. So check it out!

Also!! My novel Invasion of the Weirdos is coming out on Tuesday!!!!!! Here are some links to buy it.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Talking during movies

I went to see a movie the other day. It was called Texas Two Step or maybe it was just Two Step. I know I'm becoming a Texan more and more everyday because I'm compelled to put Texas in front of everything.

The movie was all right. It did some good things. I'm not here to review the movie. This isn't about the movie. This is about the audience.

I'm there, not eating popcorn because every time I eat popcorn I lose another tooth. I'm minding my own business. I turn my cell phone OFF because silent isn't enough. I'm there to see the goddamn flick. Right before the movie starts, some dude comes in behind me and sits next to his friends. He complained he saw only one movie during SXSW because the "lines were too long." I just had this feeling about the guy. I knew he was a fucking talker.

The people he was sitting with were happy to see him. Maybe he was the friend-group's film buff.

"Oooooh," the lady says, "You went to SXSW?"

Yes, lady! He just said he saw one movie. It was an abject failure.

But of course he elaborates on this non-story. "Yeah, I could only see the shorts feature because I couldn't get into anything else."

First things first, people. If you only got into one movie with a wristband, it's because you didn't try. There are plenty of movies nobody else wanted to see. I got into Assholes no problem because that movie was awful and everyone but me knew it.

Second things second, gente del mundo. Why even elaborate on this? Jesus Christ.

The movie gets started and I hear the most annoying of whispers. The lady says in a loud whisper, "This was filmed at my friend's house."

Now, I'm about ready to jump out of my seat and start strangling people but I keep calm because I'm concerned I'll ruin everybody else's movie going experience if I start partaking in a little casual murder. This sets off a conversation that lasts the entire movie.

"Is this the house?"


"Oh, this must be the house."

"No, I don't think so."

"Is her house the liquor store?"

"Is she homeless? Is her house that street?"

Finally, I go nuclear. I turn around and shush. The lady says, "Bless you."

What took me forty five minutes to muster was mistaken by the object of my hatred as a sneeze.

Why talk in a theater? Nobody gives a fuck where the movie was filmed. If you were in the movie, you wouldn't say anything. You'd wait until somebody noticed and then say something like, "Oh, it was nothing. I can't even act! BUY ME DINNER, SLAVE."

Rant over.

Invasion of the Weirdos comes out on Tuesday. I'm so excited. Go pre-order the damn thing. 

Weird Meat Buffet is an anthology that is going to come out in the next 24 hours. I'll keep you posted. Catfish McDaris is in it. I'm in it. Jack Arambula's in it. Cheryl Couture, Robert Dean, and many more. It's good. It's real fun.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Trump gets Comey-ed

Donald Trump got Comey-ed yesterday. Ask Hillary Clinton how it feels. She's currently a few months into her "I lost everything beard."

I don't think a mass of coagulated smegma can grow a beard so Donald Trump doesn't have to worry about that.

Donald Trump is under investigation by the FBI. I think that's a pretty big deal but there's something else that's tickling my taint. I've got friends on facebook eating each other alive over how they fight the Donald Trump regime.

Some folks say Russia is a distraction for real issues. Some folks say tax returns are unimportant. Some folks say the exact opposite. Then they turn their fury towards each other until they are inevitably deemed racist.

There is no way to fight Donald Trump on facebook. Who gives a fuck if somebody posts an article about Russia? Who gives a fuck if somebody posts a super-impotence-inducing wonky op-ed about the intricacies of Donald Trump's tariff on Mexican Muslims? Donald Trump isn't reading your posts. Nobody is reading your posts. The only people reading your posts are people who want to actively disagree with you. Donald Trump can't see your posts if they're set to "Friends Only."

Comrade Donald IS under investigation by the FBI. That's kind of a big deal. Maybe it's not so much of a distraction anymore. Other intellectual issues are also important. Why can't I have bacon with my salad? I want it all but I what I want most is for everyone to stop policing everyone else's opinions as if their opinions will somehow reach the ear of Donald Trump and turn him into a dildo.

Listen, Captain Smarty Pants. I wish we were all talking about the criminally underfunded Russian language classes in public schools but I'm also heating up popcorn in the microwave to watch this Russia drama unfold. Sure, it may amount to nothing but Benghazi and emails got Trey Gowdy hard for half a decade. Just look how tight his face is.

Maybe this is the invigorating blue pill that will ride us back into the White House.

I don't know. You don't know. None of us know. All I know is if Paul Manafort was irradiated on the steps of the Kremlin, Republicans would be mad that that information got out considering the Kremlin turns off their cameras every time somebody gets assassinated on the property. Leakers!

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Upcoming things

It wasn't too long ago I was going around doing live readings every month... multiple times, even! For a guy who just reads his own words on a page for a group of people who just want to eat their chana masala in peace, that's a pretty rigorous schedule. It's no touring-band schedule but it's just the right amount of schedule for a guy who's been wearing the same The Fly t-shirt for six years.

I took a pretty big break after we decided to stop doing TL;DR at the Whip In. Planning live readings takes a lot of energy. Things just fall apart sometimes.

Enough of the backstory! Holy cow!

I'm doing some live readings/signings/podcast things to support Invasion of the Weirdos. 

Here's the schedule, so far:

March 27: The Bizzong! Podcast
April 8, all friggin' day: San Antonio Book Festival
May 2, 7pm: The One Page Salon at the North Door, Austin, TX

More to come.

Pre-order the Invasion of the Weirdos ebook now!

Pre-order the Invasion of the Weirdos paperback now!

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Invasion of the Weirdos is coming

Oh, man. I'm too excited for the release of Invasion of the Weirdos.

It's coming out on April 4th through Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing.

You can pre-order it here.

Listen to the Spotify playlist here.

Follow @AHILBERT3000, @PMMPublishing and @TobakNrothak on twitter now!

Check out Luke Spooner's glorious cover art.

Invasion of the Weirdos was a joy to write and I'm glad it's coming out from one of my favorite publishers. It's a weird book. I think it's a pretty funny book. I think it's a pretty good book.

Government assassins, interdimensional beings that control time at their will, sex cults, neanderthals, robots, McDonald's... it's got everything, folks. I'm proud as hell of this book and I want you to pre-order it right now!

Sunday, March 12, 2017

SXSW Film Festival: 3 days, 9 reviews

Nina and I bought SXSW film wristbands because we're too old and uncool to put up with loud music from people 10 years younger, cooler, and more angsty than we are. I'm not trying to be the old man that says, "Music stopped being good when I stopped caring." No. I'm sure the good music will find its way to me through a speaker whose volume I control.

So here you are. We saw 9 movies so far. We did no research. We just waited in line for whatever sounded interesting or whatever was convenient.

1. RAT FILM - this was the first movie we saw and its synopsis sounded like some documentary that would be bought and distributed through PBS. It was not that movie. It was a surreal, almost psychedelic documentary on rats in Baltimore but it was actually a documentary on human beings, civilization, cruelty, etc. I talked to someone in line later and they said, "I thought it was going to be a documentary on how rats are useful and how we shouldn't kill them." It is very much so not a movie like that at all. It does some trippy things with a "computer game" and it's narrated by what sounds like a robot. There are some great interviews. Definitely not the movie I was expecting but it was, at that point, the best movie I'd seen all SXSW.

2. US & THEM - Us & Them is what you'd get if you made Funny Games and Snatch fuck each other to the sound of Bernie Sanders making a speech. It's a well-made movie but it goes too far. There is one scene in particular that is so melodramatic it's almost laughable. It fits nowhere into the movie except to add a degree of humanity to the main character but it falls pretty flat. If I was being generous, I'd say the movie tried to say that the plight of the poor is ignored by "fat cats" and even when the poor gets a leg up on them, the rich just have to wait it out and watch the poor turn on each other. It's a pretty cynical film and it has moments that are really funny. The music is great. I just think it could have benefited from the cutting room floor and if it was a little less self-aware as a social commentary piece. Make a good movie. The message will come through if there is one.

3. TRANSFIGURATION - some twenty-something know it alls were in front of me in the line for this movie. I overheard them say, "Transfiguration is like Moonlight but with vampires." That couldn't be further from the truth. It's a quiet horror movie and it focuses very intently on the main character's obsession with vampires, his sociopathy, and his isolation and disconnection from people. Overall, I liked the movie but the main conflict in the movie seemed two dimensional. There are gangsters in the movie. They are the bad guys. Their motivations are never explored other than to move along a plot. It was pretty good aside from that. Great acting. Beautifully shot. All that kind of shit.

4. WIN IT ALL - This was a well-written, well-acted comedy about some fucking dope who just wants to be a parking attendant his whole life but he also has a gambling problem. He meets a lady and wants to clean up his life. His old life comes back to haunt him. Very funny.

5. ASSHOLES - Oh, man. This is the movie I couldn't wait to shit on. But I know what it's like to spend a lot of time making something only for some asshole to shit on it. I've got a book coming out. This is the movie that let me know I wasn't simply enjoying movies because I was at a festival. I did not like this movie. Let's just say I felt like I was watching some bonerkind art school hotshot's first student film. This boner's going places but this movie is quite awful. He does some good visual stuff early on. Do not order queso fries at the Alamo Drafthouse while watching this. I like a good dirty joke. I like when dirty jokes are funny and don't force me to listen to the inane ramblings of a college student who just drank his first glass of kombucha. I also like eating queso fries. This is not the movie to eat queso fries to.

6. KODOKU: MEATBALL MACHINE - Japanese people have a very different way of telling a story. It's pretty easy to follow. They get it, man. There's conflict: sad, old man is getting old and sucks at his job. He will probably get fired. There's love: some young lady works at a bookstore and is always very sweet to him. There's an alien invasion: sad, old man's brain gets taken over by a bad claymation parasite in a ten minute long, bloody, gorefest of a prison scene. There's more conflict: Many people are taken over by this parasite and they fight to the death, wreaking havoc on this city. There's more love: Even though his brain is all full of fuck, this old man wants to make sure his love interest is okay. There's more conflict: Everybody wants to kill him. There's blood: There's something like 4000 gallons of fake blood used in this movie. There's a weird subplot that involves boobs as a symbol for liberation. See? The Japanese just get storytelling. A+. This is the Power Ranger movie we need.

7. MUPPET GUYS TALKING - This was a joyous celebration of collaboration and creativity. The originators of some muppets got together to shoot the shit. It was a panel, basically, but it was a joy to watch and listen to. Loved it and I'm not really a muppet kind of person.

8. MR. ROOSEVELT - So far, the funniest movie we've seen. It was shot in Austin. It was well-written and acted. It had an authenticity to it that a lot of movies cannot capture. I really, really, really liked it. The premiere was marred by technical difficulties. It was shot on 35mm and the projector's bulbs went out a few times. It made for a one of a kind experience to hear the writer/director/star make jokes about it as it was happening. I don't know, folks. I'm not a reviewer. I like what I like.

9. PORTO - The only reason we saw this was because it took place in Portugal. The guy next to us in line kept asking me if I had seen any more of whoever-directed-its movies. No. We were first in line so we looked like diehards but, au contraire my friends, we are tryhards. I brought a book to read in line and that's really the best conversation killer. People see you on a phone, they don't care. They'll ask a thousand questions. You bring out a real physical book and all of the sudden, they're looking at their phones. It's great. The movie was beautifully shot, well-written, all that kind of stuff... the acting was great but it was lacking in something that I just can't put my finger on. It suffered a major flaw in that the film was broken up into three parts. The first part followed the male character, the second part followed the female character, and the third part followed them both. The second part was much shorter and it introduced her mom out of nowhere? She was speaking a foreign language, there were no subtitles, and almost nothing of substance was gleaned about the character. I'm not sure if subtitles are coming or if this was just a standard, art-film move. I don't need subtitles, I just don't know why that scene with her mom was in there. I'm sure there's an audience for this movie. It felt like the Richard Linklater movies with Ethan Hawke except this director isn't afraid of sex.

We're taking a little break from the film fest to work. I'm hoping to see more.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

I reached a higher level of consciousness thanks to my car alarm

I reached a higher level of consciousness thanks to my car alarm.

Some people might call this state nirvana, or enlightenment, or chakra-unity, or an all marshmallow box of Lucky Charms. I call this higher state of consciousness, "I think my ears are bleeding."

After work last night, I'd say around 1:30 in the morning, I went to my car like normal. It was a good night; we were busy so I was bone-tired. I get into my car and, for the first time ever, a loud audible alarm goes off. It was my understanding that the car's alarm was so old that it was inaudible. I had seen this soundless alarm go off before on my car and all it took was unplugging the battery and plugging it back in. I left a socket wrench in my trunk for this purpose.

What I didn't know was that when the loud, colon cleansing alarm is going off, you cannot open your trunk. This was the first of my trials before the holy stigmata was bestowed upon me. I was able to start my car and drive home like a total asshole with my alarm going off.

I get home. It's close to 2 in the morning. My alarm is going off. I go inside to tell Nina, "Don't worry, it's just me making sure the whole neighborhood wants to kill us!"

Lucky for me, I could conceal the location of banshee scream of my car in the garage. I fucked with the alarm, I tried to get the batter off with a screwdriver (don't do it), I tried to do it was a regular wrench (the positioning is such that you can't make a full revolution). I tried everything I could to do this without having to go to Wal-Mart at 2:30 in the morning.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I was not smart enough to think of going to Wal-Mart at 2:30 in the morning. Nina, in a perpetual state of all-knowingness, came out of her slumber to throw me her keys and tell me I could probably buy a socket wrench at Wal-Mart. Like every ape with a wrench in his hand, I didn't like people giving me way better ideas than I had but I accepted that I was beat. I accepted her keys and drove to Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart at this time is a lot like Wal-Mart at any other time. There was a homeless person at the door. There were people buying energy drinks. There were workers not working. This, my friends, is Wal-Mart in its purest, most beautiful, most essential state. You are walking into another realm.

"Where are the tools?" I asked a pair of workers.

"What'd you say?" One of them scowled at me.

I scanned their attire to make sure I didn't make the mistake of assuming that the only two people walking with purpose in Wal-Mart worked there. They were both wearing those vests.

"You know, wrenches and shit." I said that. I did. I was annoyed and I knew my car alarm was still opening up portals to hell in my garage with my well-armed neighbors ready to demonstrate the merits of the 2nd Amendment on my dumb ass.

"Yeah, in the back."

The back. The back! Everything's at the back of everywhere you're looking. That is the first lesson of my ascension into sainthood.

Of course, I find the socket wrenches. There are a lot to choose from but I figure that going for the cheapest shit would still be paying too much but whatever. Self-checkout, etc, etc, etc. Blah, blah, blah.

I get to my house. I look around to make sure there are no neighbors hiding in the shadows of my house readying to leap and turn my face into fertilizer right after I shit my pants. Nobody. God herself must be smiling upon my misfortune! Fucking asshole.

I unplug the battery. The alarm shuts off!

For a second.

Then the backup alarm goes off. Nothing works. Nothing works.

I lost my cool, folks. I lost my cool. I was turning cucumbers into pickles and putting them into the microwave, if you know what I mean. I kicked the car and said, "Fuck this fucking car!"

After thirty more minutes of trying in vain to shut this thing up, I decide it's time to give up. I call AAA to see if they can do anything. Of course not. I enter my house defeated. I throw my clothes off in anger. I furiously search my problem online and confirm my worst suspicions: I am utterly helpless and nothing can save me.

The alarm went off all night, folks, and I went through various stages of hearing the alarm, thinking it finally went off only to get up to realize that no, it's still loud as shit. I got to a point where I was imagining the sound while hearing the sound. I got to the point that the alarm made me feel like my nose was bleeding.

I got to my knees and cried out, "Why?! Why, God?!"

I checked NextDoor to make sure my neighbors weren't plotting against me. They were smarter than plotting in the open.

Long story short, I got a tow truck out here at 10am this morning and I am now a being that is in full communication with all dimensions. I am in full understanding of mortal terror. I have seen Hell and it is a sound.

Buy my books!

Death Thing
Cat Food
Toilet Stories

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

New Yorker cartoon caption contest: Wild Wednesday Edition

It's the time of year when people start giving up on their dreams which can only mean another edition of New Yorker blah blah blah blah yay!

Even in the face of certain death, this mother fucker sucks ass.

I'm on a gluten free diet and I just can't get hard if you're serving me this wheaty, GMO-full bullshit. Excuse me while I go fuck a tree because we're the only two fucking people on this planet and you're just one inconsiderate monster.

It has the same texture as human meat but doesn't squeal like a bitch when you eat it.

Friday, February 24, 2017

The Invasion of the Weirdos Spotify playlist

It's fun to create thematic playlists for the books you write. Maybe it's the incurable boredom that comes in between books. I just hope it's as fun to listen to these playlists. Maybe there are clues, maybe the sounds give some hint to what the book reads like. I do not know for sure. But more importantly, keep your eyes peeled for Invasion of the Weirdos this Spring from Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing!

Thursday, February 23, 2017

I ignored the news for a week. Here's what I did instead.

Ugh, the news. Am I right? Sheesh. I ignored the news for a week. Here's what I did instead.

1. I stared at my college aged neighbors as they drank their cheap beer and threw cigarette butts at my cat. I couldn't figure out if they were G-men disguised as aimless youth or if they were just aimless youth. But I live behind a cell tower so they must be part of Trump's hostile takeover of my tiny neighborhood.

2. I read the neighborhood updates in NextDoor. A lot of people sell vitamins. I decided to stock up. Even though I wasn't reading the news, I was sure the world was collapsing. I could see Russians everywhere. What if the vitamin salespeople were part of a Russian conspiracy to turn American frogs gay and turn Americans into frog-fucking weirdos.

4. I went on a strict beans only diet for half a day because I couldn't figure out what to do with the other half of the day without news. This at least set me up with a date shitting my brains out on the toilet. My toilet isn't yet Wi-Fi connected so the sound of Joe Scarborough leveraging his laughably short term as a Florida representative as evidence he knows everything about politics and people. Get over it, Joe. You know as much about politics as you know about guitar and you won't shut the fuck up about that either.

5. I wrote poetry about things nobody else knows like how much more enlightened I am because I read articles on Here's a stanza:

I'm not reading articles on medium
Right now
Because I read an article on medium
About how much better life is when you fast
From the news
Fuck the news
FUCK the news
I said
Fuck the news

I skipped

6. I enjoyed the little things like putting ants under a magnifying glass delighting in my power to end worlds and steadily progressed from insects to fish, back to insects, then fish, then merely contemplating mammals, but ultimately sticking to insects.

7. I became an artisinal hot dog encaser. I read about it on medium. Opened an Etsy.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Notable President's Day Sales Throughout History

President's Day is a day for Americans to reflect on a long, unbroken chain of exceptional sales throughout our nation's history. Here are just a few to think about while your flip flops gently flap against your disgusting feet, you no good, jobless hippie.

1. Tom's Feed Store Half Off grain sale of 1800.

Tom was a simple man. In fact, sales on President's Day can be traced all the way back to him. Grain was in abundance thanks to the great trade war of 1798. While skinning a cat, halfway through Tom thought, "this cat's half off just like my grain sale!" And thus, the first Geico commercial was born. It was a hit with the local folk so much so that Tom came up with new door busters every year until he died at the hand of a coward who shot him in the back and took his lady.

2. Millard Filmore hosts a cheese and wine bacchanal at his local 7-11.

President's Day sales at 7-11 are no longer common because a Japanese conglomerate now owns it. They have Emperor Respect Holy Time Forever Deluxe Extra Special Day across the puddle, as they say. But in old F-more's day, they were quite common. Where Millard wanted a Slim Jim and some Barefoot wine, he'd call his donkey and they'd ride to 7-11. The manager got a great idea to throw a party every time the President came in on President's Day. If you bought the President some Hot Cheetos, Skittles, and some High Life, you got a free scratch off and an extra portion of nacho cheese. Needless to say, condoms were invented shortly after this tradition started.

3. George HW Bush sacrifices a baby at a WalMart

Surprisingly little is known about why HW did sacrifice a baby at a Walmart on President's Day but Walmart accountants reported a tenfold increase in sales of microwaveable chicken nuggets. HW never repeated the act but did honor the baby by making macaroni portraits of it every President's Day thereafter.

Happy Trump Day everyone!

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Just in time for Valentine's Day! Love advice!

Tired of all the happy couples strolling around town, holding hands, and having public sex at every Jack In The Box dining room they can find? You don't have to be jealous! You can do it, too! Why go for regular fries when you can get super crispy, ultra sexy?

1. Stick a dirty sock in your love interest's back pocket. Make sure to write your phone number with a note that says, "Lost sock! If found, call (###)###-####." They'll call and you can say, "Hey, I know a great place that serves crispy fries. I know the owner. His name is Jack. Jack Inthebox."

2. Like photos of them from their college days at least four years ago on Facebook. Be sure to get the likes up to the double digits. This will blow up their phone and they will be forced to find out who is giving them so much wonderful attention! Just like Singing in the Rain!

3. Insert yourself into their memories! This is very important. If they say, "One time when I was at McDonald's this old lady asked me to wipe her ass for her." You say, "No, no, no. I was there. It was at a Jack in the Box and there was no old lady. It was me."

4. Find the tallest building in town. Climb to the top with a very large poster of your love interest's face. With a loudspeaker say, "DON'T MAKE ME JUMP FOR YOUR LOVE!" This will guilt them into at least one fish sandwich at Jack In The Box. And if fish isn't on the menu, maybe you can give them a little kiss.

5. Continually submit missed connections to your love interest on craigslist. Make them very specific like: "Barney Gumble, I am your co-worker, Zenith MacTastrophe. I am in love with you and would very much like to treat you to a couple of buttermilk ranch packets at Jack In The Box. I know the fry cook. He can give me them without charging ten cents."

6. Buy a wedding ring and wear it around. Unprompted, tell people it's a motivational wedding ring. Point to your love interest and say, "I'm going to marry that bitch right there."

7. Be exotic. Whenever possible, embellish your talents and interests. If someone asks you what your favorite animal is, say, "My unyielding sex drive. I masturbate ten times a day." If someone asks you what your favorite food is, say, "The dogs that are constantly chasing me in my dreams." If someone asks you why you're calling them at midnight, just breathe very heavily into the phone until you cry. 

Equipped with these tips and tricks, you'll find yourself eating from the brunch menu at Jack in the Box for two!

Friday, February 10, 2017

Invasion of the Weirdos Cover Reveal


Luke Spooner whipped up quite a cover for Invasion of the Weirdos. Check it out. Keep your eyes in their sockets for April because that's when Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing is unleashing this puppy into the world.

Thursday, February 9, 2017


There's a debate raging among liberals. All sides of this argument are generally well-meaning; after all, this current political climate is being framed as a righteous holy war by BOTH SIDES. When you're righteous, how could you be wrong? Punching a Nazi seems so right.

I hate to say it, but it just ain't. First, let's just get into the stupid game of semantics. Nazi has a definition. Who gets to decide that definition and does the definition expand based on who the puncher feels morally outraged at?

Let's separate that cretin Spencer from the question. What if it was just some guy who said something off color? Is he a Nazi? Does he get a punch in the face? Does a racist comment put you in league with Nazis, who were a historical political party that advocated for racial extermination? I hate Nazis. I hate racists. But the idea that people can be lumped in with one of the most evil historical organizations is ludicrous.

That guy Spencer is a Neo-Nazi by any observer with a brain. He's a white supremacist that believes in "peaceful genocide" which is absolutely stupid because forcible removal from territory based on race is one of the definitions of genocide. There is no peaceful genocide. It's just genocide. In my heart, I would get immense satisfaction from punching that Neo-Nazi in the face. But let's get down to the heart of the matter.

I am a white male who bears little to no consequence for punching him the face and running away. Who gets the blame for this violence? The people Neo-Nazis, white supremacists, and fascists hate. They get blamed for the violence. Violence affirms their irrational fear. All they need is one good lie. For the actual Nazis, it was the Reichstag fire. For the Nazis emboldened by our Idiot President, it could be a well-placed punch. It could be a death at a rally. It could be another burning building. It won't even matter who did it. If liberals cede the moral high ground and start saying violence is okay when fighting hateful rhetoric, they win. They can manipulate any act of violence at one of their gatherings and make minorities pay tenfold.

But, you say, we defeated Nazis in World War II with violence. War is war, y'all. People get killed. I'm no pacifist. I believe wars can be necessary even if the moral justification isn't the real justification for war. World War II was necessary. Stopping genocide, though, was not why FDR went in. We knew a genocide was going on and we waited to get bombed by Japan. Genocide was far from the top justification for war. It was one of the justifications but it was not the top.

But, you say, Captain America is always punching Nazis. Yes, that's true. Captain America is fiction and I love watching his knuckles break jaws. But because he is fiction, things usually go Captain America's way. Captain America can punch a Nazi and the enemy is vanquished. Unfortunately, it is my belief that when one Nazi is punched, you've created two more. That imbecile Spencer uses getting punched as propaganda. All he needs to do is say, "See! Look, they are uncivilized! They are to be feared!" and all of the sudden you get your regular run-of-the-mill racist idiot lacing up his combat boots.

There's a lot of Monday morning quarterbacking going on. Many people are saying Bernie would have won. That may be true and, as a Clinton supporter, I tend to agree that Bernie may have had a better chance of making inroads with the working class in the Rust Belt. But liberals are also saying that everyone who voted for Trump is a white supremacist, racist, fascist, Nazi sympathizing idiot. If that were true, a Jewish Democratic Socialist would have fared no better against a resurgent white supremacist movement. I do not believe everyone who voted for Trump is a racist. They cast their vote for the wrong person, yes. But to lump them all into the racist category means there are a whole lot of faces to be punched and I don't see any of my white male friends who are buying t-shirts and pins and posting memes about punching faces doing that.

I believe in freedom of speech. I am an ACLU supporter. I hate racism and I deplore Nazis, Neo-Nazis, Fascists, etc. But as an ACLU supporter I have to stomach some shit.

I also believe in the paradox of free speech. A moron speaking will betray his own intellect. Loons talking crazy will be ignored. If we didn't spend so much time labeling Milo as the most dangerous writer, he wouldn't be perceived as the most dangerous writer and therefore forbidden and desired. He's at the top of the charts. His base of followers is minuscule compared the mainstream but the mainstream gets lapped up in righteous fury bring attention him. That's what he wants. That's his whole brand. He annoys liberals. We can't waste any time playing into these profiteers' machinations anymore.

We are in troubling times. Liberals have a tendency to eat each alive. I am not writing this to cast any judgement on any of my friends who believe that these times call for violence. I just ask that we separate our moral outrage from our action. Don't give any ammunition to the other side to create their own Reichstag fire. Their worldview requires your violence. And think about what your violence and your advocacy of violence means for people who aren't white.

If you don't agree with me, that's fine. Let's talk. I promise I won't punch you in the face.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Scientifically Proven, Time-Tested Advice On How to Get Your Workplace Happy Again From Leading Synergy Experts!

Hey there, folks! Welcome to another episode of Synergetic Happiness Strategies or SyHaSt, for short and stupid!

We here at SyHaSt like to think that you like to think we're experts. We like that we like to think that you like to think that! It gives us that sweet, sweet, exposure on the Influencer Markets which rates Pure Bullshits with Unadulterated Profitability! And we want you to profit!

Here are some time-tested ways to get your office happy again.

1. The boss gots to bring a TUNA SALAD and leave in the office refrigerator! Your commoner workfolk will point fingers about the smell for WEEKS at each other. But here's the best part, nobody will clean it up! The smell will get so bad that they avoid lunch breaks altogether and their paranoia and suspicions will stop them from talking to each other when they should be SHITTING OUT EXCEL SPREADSHEETS FOR YOU, the BOSS!

2. Call in the same person to your office every day. Stare at their eyes in silence. When they start to shift uncomfortably or fidget like they're about to get up just shake your head very, very slowly without averting your gaze. After about fifteen minutes, laugh like he just told the best racist joke you ever heard and slap him on the back as you walk him out of the office. To him, it's a power move. You neuter him on the reg. To your workfolk, it's a sign of favoritism. They will bite each other's butt holes to get into that room with you. Look around the office. Everyone is happy. Everyone has a job. There are no robots coming yet.

3. Fire the coffee boy. Nobody needs a coffee boy in the world of automation. Have you ever heard of a little machine called MR. COFFEE? Put a sign next to it that says, "CAN'T WAIT TO BUY A MR. WORKER!"

4. Choose the most inept employee to scream out, "Hey, Bud! How are you liking that little raise, huh? Should help with your little coke problem!" This creates competition among  your workers. Your spreadsheets will look fabulous. Regional is going to love you!

5. Stop showing up altogether. Instead, install 40 inch Vizio HDTVs all over the office with your face Skyped in, eyes darting around, saying things like, "Good, good, good. Bad, bad, bad. FUCK!" Lead office wide jumping jacks but do not participate. Complain that MR. COFFEE does a better job than any of its human counterparts. Announce your intention to turn this regional sales office into a MR. COFFEE coffee shop. A self-serve coffee shop. You'd make more money and you'd be jumping on the trend to de-bohemianize everything. It's coming.

Hope you enjoyed our advice from Leading Synergy Efficiency Experts. Remember, a happy worker is one with a job.

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