Monday, March 30, 2020

New Year Resolutions Check In #WhereYouAt2020 !?

#WhereYouAt2020 !?! How is living large and in charge of your life! Don't look at me like that, y'all, I know you've been keeping tabs on everyone else's resolutions but what about your damn self!?

Let's see what's up with me!

1. I said I was going to be more social, go out to clubs, dance, cough on people, sing, and just be my best self everywhere I go for everyone who sees me. Where am I now? I'm at home writing a stupid blog post fifteen people will read but will have 85 hits because I keep refreshing it thinking it will get funnier.

2. I said I was going to shake everyone's hand, man or lady, rather than instinctively turning away from the men and sobbing uncontrollably for the women. Where are we this? #2020checkin ! Handshakes are illegal and the state of California will shoot you in the head.

3. I was all about not eating microwaveable foods this year. I did pretty good, too! #yayme but then March hit and I just don't even know! I had a bunch of Kid Cuisine in my fridge because I was studying the evolution of microwaveable foods' box design for a forty-five minute YouTube video I've been planning for years. Guess what? My microwave broke and all I have are scented candles to eat my chicken nuggets over.

4. Claustrophobia was so 2019. I wasn't about to take off all my clothes in the middle of a grocery store because somebody looked at me and I could mentally feel their breath. Now, I spend all my time making trash bag clothes-armor and beat the shit out of anyone trying to take the last thing of trash bags in the grocery store. #GetOutoftheWayYouStupidBitch2020

5. Mexico City. Paris. Venice. Stalingrad. Wuhan. Seoul. Karachi. I was going to work EXTRA all year long, pulling doubles and being real sweet to all the customers that came into the bar so I could spend the last half of the year traveling. What am I doing now? Picking my nose and debating whether I should eat what I find or just stick it under my big toenail. #surfsup

6. This was the year I was REALLY going to start touching my face without any guilt or self-consciousness. It used to be people would be concerned that my pants were unzipped on the bus while I touched my face and my John Dangler became a Stephen Upright but now they don't even care about indecent exposure. They scream, horrified, as I go around sticking my fingers as close to their eyeballs or mouths as possible.

The year is a quarter over! Let's defeat the invisible enemy so I can go outside and scream at my neighbors for housing mole people that burrow underneath my foundation and fuck all night.

Buy a book. 

Thursday, March 19, 2020

Free PDF downloads for lockdown


What a dark timeline we are in. 2020 was supposed to be a good one.

Anyways. I work at a bar and we're figuring it out as a takeout-essentials kind of deal but our wages and business has gone significantly down. Consider donating to the Radio staff relief fund. The fact that California is on near-total-lockdown tells me that it is coming nationwide.

We're in dark times, indeed.

I know it's a bit of a joke this time for individuals to ask for "donations" but if you're so inclined, throwing a buck or two tip into my paypal would go a little ways to making my income less sideways. Maybe one of the Imagine celebrity singers will see this. Click here to throw a buck or so my way. 

It ain't much but here are some free downloads to get you through thirty minutes of the lockdown. Cat Food and Toilet Stories from Outer Space. Cat Food has Flesh House in it and that one is always a popular one. *NOTE: RIGHT CLICK AND SAVE AS AND DISTRIBUTE TO WHOEVER YOU WANT. I HAVE LIMITED BANDWIDTH TO SPARE WITH DOWNLOADS FROM THE SOURCE*

If you like that little taste, you can purchase my books here on Amazon. But buy Invasion of the Weirdos here.

Or you can throw a buck or two in the Paypal. Or donate to the Radio staff.