Monday, March 30, 2020

New Year Resolutions Check In #WhereYouAt2020 !?

#WhereYouAt2020 !?! How is living large and in charge of your life! Don't look at me like that, y'all, I know you've been keeping tabs on everyone else's resolutions but what about your damn self!?

Let's see what's up with me!

1. I said I was going to be more social, go out to clubs, dance, cough on people, sing, and just be my best self everywhere I go for everyone who sees me. Where am I now? I'm at home writing a stupid blog post fifteen people will read but will have 85 hits because I keep refreshing it thinking it will get funnier.

2. I said I was going to shake everyone's hand, man or lady, rather than instinctively turning away from the men and sobbing uncontrollably for the women. Where are we this? #2020checkin ! Handshakes are illegal and the state of California will shoot you in the head.

3. I was all about not eating microwaveable foods this year. I did pretty good, too! #yayme but then March hit and I just don't even know! I had a bunch of Kid Cuisine in my fridge because I was studying the evolution of microwaveable foods' box design for a forty-five minute YouTube video I've been planning for years. Guess what? My microwave broke and all I have are scented candles to eat my chicken nuggets over.

4. Claustrophobia was so 2019. I wasn't about to take off all my clothes in the middle of a grocery store because somebody looked at me and I could mentally feel their breath. Now, I spend all my time making trash bag clothes-armor and beat the shit out of anyone trying to take the last thing of trash bags in the grocery store. #GetOutoftheWayYouStupidBitch2020

5. Mexico City. Paris. Venice. Stalingrad. Wuhan. Seoul. Karachi. I was going to work EXTRA all year long, pulling doubles and being real sweet to all the customers that came into the bar so I could spend the last half of the year traveling. What am I doing now? Picking my nose and debating whether I should eat what I find or just stick it under my big toenail. #surfsup

6. This was the year I was REALLY going to start touching my face without any guilt or self-consciousness. It used to be people would be concerned that my pants were unzipped on the bus while I touched my face and my John Dangler became a Stephen Upright but now they don't even care about indecent exposure. They scream, horrified, as I go around sticking my fingers as close to their eyeballs or mouths as possible.

The year is a quarter over! Let's defeat the invisible enemy so I can go outside and scream at my neighbors for housing mole people that burrow underneath my foundation and fuck all night.

Buy a book. 

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