Saturday, May 20, 2017

Upcoming events

Well, howdy folks. 

Nina and I have been living it up on Isla Holbox in Mexico. It was great. My brain was erased with relaxation. There was very limited access to the internet and nobody spoke about Donald Trump. Every American should treat themselves to that kind of gift. 

We spoke a lot of bad Spanish. I kept saying camerones because that means shrimp and our waiter did his best dumb American impression and said, "Oh, you want SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEMP?" I felt very self-conscious. I ate so much shrimp that my taint fell out. Just imagine that. Oh, it was great. 

I've got a few events coming up. 

First things first.






Sunday, May 7, 2017

Advice given in the throes of a toothache

1. Don't cut your arm off. As annoying as clipping fingernails is with your non-dominant hand is, you're going to need that hand to hold your cellphone with as you wipe.



2. A day is as much as a night is in terms of sunlight, just the exact opposite. Go read a book on Eastern philosophy. It makes sense to someone.



3. If Jesus was so cool, why didn't he wear Wayfarers? You want to be cool, I mean, Bob fucking Dylan cool? Get some Ray Bans and tell daddy-o to fuck off.


4. Start quitting cigarettes by sticking them up your ass. You'll develop a resistance to putting those same cigarettes in your mouth. Trust me.


5. Post on Facebook about the French election like you're an expert. All your friends will heap praise on you even though you thought a bill was a law automatically because Paul Ryan rubbed his nuts on it.



6. This advice is in jail for making fun of Jeff "Cyst Lips" Sessions and under investigation by the FCC because we live in Russia now.



7. Grab a sledgehammer and just bash it against your teeth. You don't need them anyways when the robots take over and use our toothless mouths to age their cheese in.



8. Read my last post.

9. Buy my books.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Everyone is made of skin

Hello, folks!

It's been awhile. I did it again! I promised myself to stay in touch with the internet but instead, I retreated into my own toothaches!

It's true, it's true! I'm experiencing toothaches!

I did One Page Salon this past Tuesday. It was so fun that Owen Egerton ripped my shirt off and I was able to secure some funding for hummusballgag.com. I secured so much funding that I created srirachaballgag.com. Right now they just redirect here but someday I will have prototypes.


This post is just here to tell you that I will be having a big fuckin' release party for Invasion of the Weirdos at BookPeople. Click here. 

Invite your friends! Invite your enemies! Invite everyone! Woo!