Thursday, January 28, 2021

Paper Plates

Paper plate companies, I tell ya. Make them thicker. Make them not stick together. You're trying to sell me a 300 pack knowing full well the weight of my honey baked beans is too much for one measly plate. Just make them thicker. What's the big deal?

I don't even care about the price. I am at an age where I walk down an aisle of Costco and I choose the cheapest looking package of paper plates. Nevermind I have to buy a thousand of them. It used to be that I could slam the package down on the conveyer belt, look the cashier right in the eyes and say, "I don't even give a fuck how much this costs." I'm sheepish now; ground down to bleeding nubs by quarantines, isolation, and holding in coughs so hard I shit my pants. 

Sometimes you think the food you're piling on top of this paper plate is the right amount of food. It's not going to collapse the anus of the plate. Then you put it in the microwave and you realize you steamed that sucker so hard that it's definitely going to collapse the anus of the plate. So you grab another paper plate from the stack but it's stuck to another. You're using three paper plates for two fucking Morning Star Quorn Dawgs and you're contemplating throwing them on the ground only to hope you later trip on them and fall on them, sticks up, to gouge your eyes out. But you don't because somebody else might slip on your stupid corn dogs and you wouldn't be able to hold in your laugh as you eat the corn dog right off that other person's dead body. And all because of some paper plates.

Other kinds of plates break. I'm a wild man in the kitchen. I flail with abandon. I use multiple pieces of cutlery for one piece of food. I don't mind doing that. I don't mind the waste when I know I'm just going to be stuck washing it later. I mind the waste when it comes to paper plates though. I don't know why. All paper plates are waste. I bought them at the beginning of the pandemic so I wouldn't have to do so many goddamn dishes. I told myself I'd only do it once. I'd only take a month off of washing plates. The allure of laziness is intoxicating. I kept buying paper plates. 

Don't come at me with the mother nature blah blah blah. I feel bad every time I grab a paper plate to stack Doritos all over. I do it anyways. Some people drive their cars to their mailboxes. Go harass them. 

I think paper plates are bad business.