Friday, August 4, 2017

I almost burned my house down making cold brew

It's true.

I may be the only person alive who has almost burned down their house while making cold brew. I'm taking my coffee game to the next level, nerds.


It's simple. I was using a criminally overpriced coffee sock and I needed to clean it. I put it in a pot of water to boil. Then I remembered that my life is worth much more than watching some fucking pot of water waiting for it to boil. The old adage says, "A watched pot never boils," so I put on my sweet gaming headphones and played a few rounds of Call of Duty before I heard the fire alarm go off and the scent of burning human intelligence in the kitchen.



 "OH FUCK DUDE!" I yelled to my compatriot who was probably not listening to me.

I ran to the kitchen in my boxer shorts, shirtless, and my socks. The fire was in the pot. There was no water in the pot. It had already evaporated.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit!"

I threw some water on the burned coffee sock, really regretting that I got the American flag design at that point, and the fire was gone.

Smoke filled the house. I opened every window. I grabbed a broom to help push the smoke out. I grabbed my cat to throw around to vent my frustrations.

I didn't make any cold brew for about a year after that.

Now, I have a new method.

HOW TO MAKE COLD BREW WITHOUT BURNING DOWN  YOUR HOUSE OR SPENDING $10 ON A GLORIFIED PIECE OF CHEESE CLOTH

1. Grind the beans real coarse.

2. Dump the beans in your mason jar.

3. Fill the mason jar full of water.

4. Seal the cap.

5. Forget about it for a day.

6. Pour the liquid out into another mason jar with the help of a wire strainer.

7. Voila! You have cold brew without burning down your whole fucking house.

Hopefully this helped you get through another day of monotony and everyone screaming about politics and whatever, whatever. I've been thinking a lot lately about our collective mania. High-powered cold brew should help fuel it.

Oh, yeah! Deerman episode 1 is out! Check it out! Become a patron! 


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