Hey, oh! It's the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest! Woo! A contest I never enter, will never win, and will constantly do because I hate its very existence. A friend of mine once called my attempts "derivative" of his attempts but he ignored the fact that I never entered and mine actually made people laugh every once in a while. Take that, punk ass!
Please go until completion. I can probably get a discount for that.
The winds of change are upon us. HA! HA! It's a Trump joke. Get it? No? Fuck you, Fascist.
Constantly with the Mexicans and the refugees, too. Ugh.
So I said, "Look! If you're going to wave that thing of milk-potatoes at me, at least take me out to dinner before you bend me over and poop in my butt!
And for my next trick, I unshred a document.
This motherfucker forgot to order drinks.
Listen, bitch, if you keep doing that I'm going to have to call your mom.
It's that time that nobody waits for, nobody desires, and nobody yearns: THE NEW YORKER CARTOON CAPTION CONTEST! It's a contest that is open to the public that I never enter but I give you my captions as if you don't have better things to do with your life!
Yeah, I'm just watching some guy try to prove how much he hates God by taking a shit on a church. In a way, his non-belief in God and his dedication to it is its own religion. He has erected a throne to nothing and participates in public displays of zealous devotion to nothingness. I hope he dies.
Dude, this day fucking sucks.
This is just traditionalist propaganda trying to get me to accept the notion that I must escort some stupid fucking kid across the street as if I don't have better things to do with my life like LISTEN TO FUCKING DEERMAN.
Thank you for suffering through that with me. Yesterday was ninety degrees. Today it's sixty. I'm sneezing my taint away. I needed this.
Oh, hey! Joe Lansdale, my hero, retweeted the most recent Inbetweener episode with Zach Chapman. Give it a listen. We talk about Joe Lansdale some.
Oh, God. Here we go again. This one might have a repeat but I am unsure because I'm too lazy to sift through my old posts. Look, I'm not Steve Bannon. I'm not sitting around trying to stuff a banana into the orange lodged up my ass, okay!?
They say they want to turn our town into a destination.
It's kind of weird that we gentrified all around this one guy's taco cart.
Now that I've killed your children in a display of my awesome power, I want you two to sift through my litter box again.
Ugh, it's like standing up and saying the national anthem when you're a kid. You don't want to do it but you also don't want to be thrown into the gulags, either.
It's like not wanting to support Chick-fil-A's abhorrent politics but your family always gets platters of their nuggets for Christmas, so you don't want to ruin Christmas either.
It's like a goddamn Alanis Morissette song. Who would've thought? It figures.
I swore to your father when we got married that I'd never let you go hungry. Well, honey, now all we can afford to eat are Italian leather briefcases.
Pool's closed. It's just a little too gay right now.
You probably shouldn't have worn your birdseed suit out today, dear.
Honestly folks, we will never defeat Trump if we continue to share and like "satire" by Andy Borowitz. Andy Borowitz's sense of humor about Trump is almost as bad as Donald Trump's sense of humor about Trump.
Trump Try (n): A self-serving and dishonest attempt at doing anything.
The New Yorker should stick to New Yorker humor. You know, the kind that elicits a nose in the air and a, "harumph," followed by a, "Waiter, please! I was told this was would be a locally sourced souffle." I don't even know what the Borowitz report attempts to do.
This is funny because this could have been a toaster.
One side of me thinks that it's a cynical attempt by the New Yorker to get in on the fake news click bait money train because, I swear to you, 90% of my friends who share this shit think it's real because the New Yorker posted it. The other 10% have no sense of humor.
Well, in a show of honesty... I'm going to give ol' Borowitz a good old fashioned Trump Try. I'm going to read his articles and see if they're funny with you as my witness.
Seriously, go grab a bowl of cereal. Doesn't have to be dairy milk. It can be hemp. Just do it and start eating. Now read this line.
In an official statement, the karaoke machine said that it was withdrawing because it “did not want my participation at the Inauguration to in any way be construed as an endorsement of Donald Trump.” - from Karaoke Machine Backs Out of Performing at Inauguration
Did milk squirt out of your nose as you laughed away the pain of a Cheerio becoming lodged in your nostril by the humorous brilliance of Mr. Borowitz? Probably not.
Am I misrepresenting the humor displayed in the piece? I don't know because I couldn't find anything humorous in the whole thing! I think the humor is derived from the fact that even non-thinking and non-feeling machines are refusing to play at the inauguration. It's a funny thought, I guess. It isn't a three paragraph joke.
How about this:
In an attempt to quell that controversy, Putin said late on Sunday that he would instead serenade Trump by singing the Bette Midler classic, “Wind Beneath My Wings.” - from Putin to Sing at Trump Inauguration
I.... I can't even... Gah... I don't know anymore. Is that, like, a gay joke or something? I can't even tell because this shit is so incredibly lame. It's bad because we all can rightly criticize liberal funny people for being too smug and nose in the air. But... this? Is this even smug? Or is it smug by virtue that it's in the New Yorker? Is it even funny? Or is it just funny because I know Borowitz agrees with me on politics in a broad sense and it's labeled satire? I just don't get it. There is literally no comedic merit in anything he writes.
“I was terrified,” Vasily Dmitrovic, who lives in St. Petersburg, said. “They broke down my door. My wife was screaming. They would not leave until I handed over ‘Mamma Mia!’ ” - from Russia Bans Meryl Streep Movies
Only to continue with:
In an appearance on state television, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered no reason for the ban, other than to say that Streep was “overrated.” - from Russia Bans Meryl Streep Movies
Seriously, folks. This has to stop. This is like going to the doctor for a prostrate exam and after it's done the doctor starts by saying, "Here's what I found..." He turns around, starts scribbling, and leaves the room never to come back. You know there's supposed to be more to this sentence but the doctor's gone and you still have his latex glove up your butt. AND the nurse is showing the next patient into your room. There's no joke there and there sure as shit ain't a goddamn joke in the Borowitz Report.
Okay! Let's all slap each other's back at this golden revelation of humor! So poignant! So fucking pointless!
This is funny because my shirt is the number 8 and if you think about the proximity of 8 to both 6 and 9 numerically, you will laugh because 8 is kind of close to 69.
Do yourself a favor. You can read the Borowitz Report all you want but the second you share shit like that for your friends to see, you reveal yourself to be a virtue and intellect signaling wiener boy who wants to show off their degree to all of their high school friends. That or you believe it's true. We all have a fake news problem but we all also have a terrible satire problem. Just because it's "political" and "not true" doesn't make it funny. If it's "not funny" and labeled as "satire" it's probably "The Borowitz Report."
When it comes to making fun of Trump, we're all just trying to get it right.
