How to stay cool in the heat wave

It's hot outside. It's so hot, you could fry an egg in your car if you hated cars that smelled bearable to drive in.

Here's how to stay cool in the heat wave of 2017.

My lyrics largely make no sense but my fan base also hates "mumble" rap stuff. Nothing makes sense. Life is a vortex ending in death.

1. Shades. Everyone needs a cool pair of shades. I suggest Ray Ban Wayfarers. They're classic. They already match a coke nail perfectly.

Exhibit A: It's a coke nail despite your uncle telling you it's for the hard to reach boogers. It's for hard to reach boogers if you want to blast them with coke.

2. Get some cigarettes and pack them constantly. Everyone knows that's fucking cool no matter how hot it is.

Good form!

3. Tell everyone within earshot how much air conditioning is ruining the environment. Tell people you prefer kombucha as a natural way of cooling your body down. That and coconut oil. Lots of coconut oil. 

Dreamy

4. Get caught reading at every turn. On the shitter? Leave the door open so everyone knows you're extending your stay at Porcelain Hotel's pool to get through this nail-biting chapter of Capital by Karl Marx. 

5. Get angel investors for your start-up that is going to change the paradigm and disrupt the market through superior storytelling and a competitive benefits package. (*cough* hummusballgag.com *cough*)

6. Realize halfway through that this post is worthless filler and quit at number 6. Buy my book.