This motherfucker is putting peanut butter on his apple.
Oh, shit. Wait up.
This motherfucker is putting almond butter on his apple.
It's a fucking honey crisp.
What is this guy? A billionaire?
Honey crisps: at least $2.54 EACH. That ain't no pound price. That's each.
And look at those damn things. They are huge.
Jiffy and Skippy and Peter Pan don't make almond butter, neither.
They make PEANUT BUTTER, friend. A classic. Cheap. Tasty.
It looks like you ground that shit up yourself.
Did you know it takes ten self-satisfactory boners to grow ONE almond?
And I'm not talking any kind of self-satisfaction, I'm talking putting your Bernie sticker on your car after January 20, 2017 kind of self-satisfaction. I'm talking kombucha brand loyalty satisfaction. I'm talking "I don't drink cow's milk because I think a cow should drink her own milk" satisfaction. I'm talking "I don't eat gluten out of solidarity with the folks that are actually gluten intolerant" satisfaction. I'm talking I don't listen to music made by artists who once said they preferred their chicken laying eggs to be caged.
I'm talking slapping a spoonful of almond butter on a fucking honey crisp apple level of satisfaction.
That's how much it takes to be that guy.
Come to One Page Salon on July 8th featuring Owen Egerton, Amelia Gray, Matt the Electrician, Typewriter Rodeo, and yours truly.