Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Coke Zero and the war for your brain

It's true folks. Coke Zero was a false flag operation.

One of these is not like the other and I hate it for even attempting to fuck with my current reality timeline in which Coke Zero Sugar does not exist and Coke Zero is forever.


For years they lulled us into a sense of safety with a refreshing cola product that contained no sugar but all the headaches associated with aspartame.

Now the devilish black can is gone forever.

Replaced with a Manchurian soda called Coke Zero Sugar. The black can now accented with a red dot LIKE THE FLAG OF IMPERIAL JAPAN if you want to make such a leap.

Coke Pearl Harbored grocery stores everywhere and they must not be forgiven. Coke Zero was a sleeper cell, designed to fit in with all the rest of the sodas to trap well-meaning Americans with a more European version of a complacency bomb. Well, we won't take it. We're going to stand up during the goddamn pledge of allegiance and I am going to clean the shit out of my Old Glory boxer shorts. I'm an American, dammit and I'll be damned if some multinational corporation changes a formula for something I never even drank in the first place.

What a way to drive up sales, Coke. What a way to clear out stock. What a way to turn good American boys into Parisian Pussy Pants. I don't want Coke Zero Sugar. Let the Argentinians have it. They're obsessed with Europe anyways.

I want Coke Zero or I will have zero. But I will not have Coke Zero Sugar. No way, Joseph.

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