NEW YORKER CARTOON CAPTION CONTEST EDITION 5G

Welcome to the most meaningless place on the internet: a low-selling author's sporadically-updated blog! Even worse! Bad captions for dumb cartoons! But, hey. We're all on lockdown and it's lasted way longer than I thought it would so why the hell don't you order the Uh Oh Storytime! chapbook! Buy it at 5GKilledGod.com. 

If you're anti-mask and you want the economy to open up: You, my friend, do not have a functioning brain. Just put on a mask. Putting on a mask allows for places to be open. I work at a place that is open! Masks suck! But I wear one anyways. Why? Because it is considerate and seems to actually slow the spread of the virus unlike bitching about masks on facebook. I also have asthma and I love onions on everything! I still wear a mask. It's okay. Even if you think it's a performative ritual in religious celebratory worship of the State (it's not), we can get through this. Just put the mask on and, tell you what, you can frown the entire time you wear it. Or you could just skip the coffee and haircut. 

Speaking of facebook: we left! Do you want a peaceful brain? Do you want to not hate everyone every day? Get off facebook. I don't want to preach but it's been a few weeks and I have never felt better. Instagram and Twitter are the nicotine patches that keep me connected but both platforms are better for me for different reasons. Instagram is more fun. It's visual. You're not getting beaten over the head with every dumb thing your masturbating-in-the-basement great uncle has to say on Instagram. You just see before and after ejac-pics. That's better. I am way less connected to family and close friends on Twitter so the stakes are much lower there. Somebody has a dumb opinion? Who cares. Keep going. 

The lack of socializing hit me pretty hard in the first few months but I am happy to report that I have named all my toes. 

Onward.

This pussy-on-ball play is making me wet.

So... my penis goes where?

Oh, my hat's loud? Look at those fucking shoes!

BUY MY BOOKS AT 5GKILLEDGOD.com

Yo. Fuck this, right?

Yo. Fuck this, right?

I've never been so existentially numb in my life. We're watching everything collapse around us together. We all know it. We're making memes and jokes and trying to keep it together.

Right now a lot of us are playing videogames and doing video chats and shit but it feels like we're all telling each other this effort won't last. We'll soon retreat into our own cocoons of dingleberries and bodily fluids until the sun comes out and miraculously spanks the shit out of this coronavirus.

Let me be the first to tell you, I've seen the greatest minds of my generation (foreheads, we'll call them) talk about 5G and what have you and how 5G brain-controlled a random thread of code to fuck humanity in the ears. These foreheads know something you don't and you should listen to them because they have secret information and don't you want secret information? Don't you want to look as far down as the length of your forehead slope at somebody? Isn't that what this is all about?

Some foreheads don't believe in conspiracy theories. Some foreheads go out in public to shame others out in public. "LOOK AT ALL THESE IDIOTS?!" one forehead will say as he takes a selfie-video with himself always at the center with a shit-eating grin on.

I can hear my neighbors next door work on their cars. Their cars are always broken down. One of them is a nurse. One of them has tiny ankles. My other neighbor looks older and fatter than I am and is taking up skateboarding. My dog smells like hot ass. Another neighbor is taking pictures of HOA violations. Time doesn't stop. Weeds will grow. Jupiter spins.

We should apologize to Hideo Kojima. We made fun of his ideas of the apocalypse. Delivery boys would be what kept us together. We'd run on an economy of likes. I'm going to livestream myself crying naked in the bathroom with a tattoo of my Venmo QR code on my ass.

We will get through this. We are probably not collapsing as bad as it seems. I wear a bandana around my face and my glasses fog up. I take my glasses off and squint at everything. My eyesight is getting worse. I put away the groceries when I get home. I take off my clothes. I run to the shower.

My daughter grabs my glasses instinctively. If she breaks them, I'm fucked for at least a month. I don't really care though. She'll do what she wants to do. It's okay. I am happy.