Super Bowl

Listen up, toeball fans. This is a time for Americans to rally around each other and decide between Bud Lite or Mango White Claw. I don't like the sound of Mango so I reach for a Bud though I prefer to drink a $10 cask-aged craft version of a light beer. I don't even like gruntball but I'm here for the fucking chips and dip so go get me a plate, honey. 

Listen up, guy with glasses talking about the socioeconomic metaphors present in sports: shut the fuck up. Nobody is listening to you because we're all here chomping on Beef Lil Smokies and looking for the hidden bathroom the homeowner obviously doesn't want you to know about. He wants to masturbate while pooping in peace. 

Listen up, homeowner. I found your little bathroom and your dirty little secret. You're a fucking nerd who takes off all his clothes when he poops because you "get too sweaty" and "nobody likes the smell of poop sweat." Listen up, cowboy. I do. I love the smell of poop sweat and whenever I get a whiff of it, it makes me want to poop. What? Is this a bidet? The hose kind? You certainly don't cheap out and I can understand why you didn't want anyone here using your secret bathroom. I like to stick the hose just far enough up so I get the same sensation of getting water up my nose but in my butt. It's how I calibrate spatial distance in my head. It's the only way I'm sure I'm creating mudslides. Don't worry. I gave the hose a spit shine. I only farted in there and updated my Facebook so don't worry too much. 

Listen up, Twitter jokesters: stop with the Superb Owl stuff. It's not funny. It never was funny. An owl killed my entire family in the jungle and I really appreciate it if you take that into consideration before making light of any fucking owl by calling it superb. 

All right, go out there and slap some butts. Drink some beer. Eat some Doritos and get some Coke Energy Drink: the one for your nose. All praises be to bitcoin. 

Go buy Dark Moon Digest 38. I've got a story called Swollen Dry Sockets in there and DMD is consistently the best horror in the business. Buy direct or subscribe to DMD here or buy it off Amazon. 

Buy my latest book Invasion of the Weirdos. Direct from Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing or buy it off Amazon here. 

SUPERBOWL THINGS TO DO FOR NON SUPERBOWL PEOPLE

Whether you're into the Superbowl or not, you'll be talking about it because everyone loves the guy at the Superbowl party who says, "I can't watch American football. It's just not soccer enough." Eat your fucking Doritos, cowboy, and enjoy the fact that American football is just as much about the snacks and debauchery as it is about a bunch of men in tights bumping jockstraps.

Here are some things non-Superbowl fans can do on the Superbowl.

1. Say something about a Superb Owl. 

It's truly the cleverest thing anyone has ever heard in 1996 when the internet first spilled into the homes of people dying to be clever to other people dying to cut-and-paste other people's cleverness. Clever is the sanctuary of the unfunny. 

2. Talk about soccer

That image right above this? I don't even know if it's a photograph of soccer because I'm an American and I haven't watched the game. It looks like it involves people either shooting balls out of their ass or stuffing balls into their ass. You cannot talk about soccer as some kind of elegant and sophisticated sport in comparison to football when you are at a Superbowl party doing keg stands and dipping nacho Doritos into ranch dip. You're exactly where you belong, cowboy. In America. 

3. Say you're only there for the commercials then complain about how the commercials suck

Of course they suck. Who the hell wants to be advertised to about the virtues of pistachios? I know pistachios are good but until they start dusting nacho cheese flakes onto the damn things, I don't need a commercial about them. I've never seen a commercial for Virginia peanuts and it doesn't look the peanut industry is in its death throes. You're there for the party.

CONFESSION TIME

I don't know anything about football. I could care less if the Seattle Super Sonics beat the Texas Rangers today. But what I do care about is tradition. And my tradition dictates that I make a date with the toilet tonight after a day of being confused and lied to. The toilet's a good date, too. You start by sitting on it and you end by falling asleep holding it.