Ace your next job interview

People often ask me, "Andrew, how is it you're so frickin' slick in interviews?"

First, I think to myself, What the fuck do you know about my frickin' slickin' in interviews? Then I think, Word must get around. 

So here they are, my tips on acing your next job interview.

How you present yourself is very important. It doesn't matter whether you're interviewing with a Fortune 500 or Jack in the Box, dress like you just rolled out of bed and forgot to masturbate. This puts a certain fire in your eyes and releases pheromones that tells your interviewer you mean business. Try to wear clothing that has a lingering weed smell. This shows you're better than your vices. So much better in fact, that you don't give a fuck who knows what you do on your own time. It's a free country.

Show up a little late, nobody wants some anal retentive asshole with sweaty palms waiting next to the secretary and breathing too loudly five minutes early. Get there five minutes late. The secretary will nod her head and think, "That person is CONFIDENT." Confidence is where it's at folks.

Turn the interview around. When the interviewer holds out his/her hand, cower away. Be dramatic. Back into a corner, shivering, and yelling, "Stop it, mom!" When the interviewer is visibly confused, just shrug and say, "I thought you were going to hit me." You now have the upper hand.

When the interviewer starts describing the company, shake your head and say, "That's not what my dad said."

Now, be aware of your surroundings. Did you notice a desk between you and the boss-man? Break down those barriers. Roll the swivel chair around to the boss-man's side. Face to face, knees touching. Never break eye contact.

Even better, ask the interviewer to explain something you saw in the hall. The interviewer will get out of his seat and when you both re-enter the room, take it. Who makes the rules? You do. This is a very aggressive move that foreshadows your intentions. You're saying, "I'm interviewing today, but tomorrow I'll be sitting here firing your ass." Don't say that. Just grimace.

Always comment on their family photos, but instead of saying, "Beautiful family, what are their names?" say something like, "Wow, you have a lot of pets. Can I have one?"

Always, always, always comment on the smell of the office. You can say things like, "This place smells like shit," or, "What the fuck fell out of your ass and farted in here?" or, "Don't you have Febreeze? It smells like the opposite of Febreeze. It smells like fucking shit," or, "Holy shit it smells like shit," or, "What kind of perfume is that? Ball sweat and shit au toilette?"

Comment on your appearances. Say, "I didn't want to overdress," as you sniff your armpits and continue, "I mean, this company is at the bottom of my list for jobs. Do you have a smoke I can bum?"

If the interviewer looks uncomfortable, say something like, "Do I make you uncomfortable?"

If the interviewer answers affirmatively, stand up, kick your chair, and say, "I knew I wasn't good enough!" Start crying and whimpering and saying things like, "I guess I'll just go home to my dying children and feed them my toenails for dinner!" When shit hits the fan, you have to go for the guilt trip hard.

I'd be surprised if you didn't get the job the next day, bud.

Tips on being broke

If you're in a position to buy cylindrical meat, spend the extra few cents on Slim Jim. There's nothing more depressing than watching a grown adult eat cylindrical meat, might as well go name brand.

Everyone's a potential employer so it's best not to ask every passerby for something, anything, to eat.

When you're at a restaurant with friends, ask every one of them if they're going to finish their food. If they say, "No," ask if you can take it home to your dog. If they point out you don't have a dog, say, "Yeah I do. I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it."

Start a Kickstarter for a fictional down-on-his-luck artist. Keep all the money. Say raising the money was an art project in itself. Get some press in your local anarchist weekly by claiming it was a commentary on the idiocy of capitalism. Spend the money on Slim Jims and Nike socks.

You'd be surprised how many fictional down on their luck artists show up in Google Image Search. 

Life Hack: Tying your shoes takes 5 seconds of the day you could have better spent finding new ways to peel a banana. Fuck shoes, man.

Nobody likes a bum. Next time you're bumming a cigarette, dress very frat-couture. You know, Oakley shades, spiky gelled hair, flip flops, and designer jeans. Ask the biggest hippie looking motherfucker who's smoking for a cigarette. They'll give it to you because you look so cool and hey, you only smoke when you're out with the bros.

Ok, we get it. You're cool, guy.

Print out coupons for Chipotle except you have to photoshop out the part that says, "No Double Coupons," to make it say, "Only Double Coupons." To do this, don't waste money on Photoshop. Cover the part that says "No" with your pointer finger. On your pointer finger nail, write "Only." Chipotle workers aren't paid enough to examine things with their eyes.

When going to parties, always bring a guitar. Inside the guitar, have a tiny portable radio doohickey. Pretend to strum and sing and watch the money roll in. If anyone says anything, say, "Somebody's jealous," really loud and make dismissive gestures their way.

Start a religious cult. People throw money at broke assholes claiming to have a direct line to god all the damn time. Just take a mainstream religion, add two doses of batshit crazy, and add one dietary restriction. Voila! You've got a fucking cult, bro.

"I'll turn your money into a bottle of wine."