Pence doesn't kneel but bows out

Ol' human Chuck E. Cheese animatronic machine that became sentient and started ruining everybody's life, Mike Pence, bowed out of a football game because he couldn't stand the sight of free speech at a football game.

Thank you for spending all that money on a security detail and a seat just to walk out like a spoiled little brat.

That's the Trump administration for you. Symbolic gestures that amount to nothing but costs the taxpayer a hell of a lot. Let people kneel, dammit. Who gives a shit? Go fix something, you empty-eyed son of a bitch.

I respect the military, I respect the flag, I respect your right to get up out of your seat and walk out of a game after spending at least a hundo on your ticket. That's your right. I respect an American citizen's right not to put his hand over his heart. I respect his right to make a statement about police brutality. We are a police state for black men and women. That should make Americans uncomfortable. If the most offensive thing about their protest is kneeling for the national anthem - you should get your head out of your ass and start being enraged at what caused this whole thing.

Contrary to popular dogma, black Americans are just as American as anyone else even the orange colored skin bag that happens to be President. Black Americans have the same right to express themselves as white folks. White folks are free to show up at political rallies with guns but any time a black man is practicing his right to open carry, people lock their doors and call the cops. Or, this incident from 2008 when a black man wore "paramilitary" garb at a polling place and white America shat its diapers.

Let's be clear. It wasn't the uniform that the black man was wearing that caused Fox news to send the cameras. It was the combination of his skin color and what he was wearing. If it was just his clothing, we'd have cameras in Ted Nugent's face every time he left his house to find cat scratch fever medicine.

While we're at it, if the sight of people kneeling during the national anthem bothers you but the above photo of Ted Nugent wearing a US Army uniform does not you are a moron. A fuckin' moron as Rex Tillerson would say. Ted Nugent was so brave that he shit his pants to avoid the draft during Vietnam. Now he goes around playing dress up in a uniform that so many braver men and women died in.

President Trump avoided the draft by getting a doctor's note for bone spurs. But please, let's shit on some football players for understanding their constitutional right. I guarantee you they pay more taxes than any walking teratoma in the Trump family. 

Hey, you're an American. I'm an American. Can we just go back to debating fucking concussions or something? 

Don't forget to check out Deerman!

Super Size Me changed the world

Hey, look! A video and a text post! If you hate waiting through videos, just read the post. If you hate reading, watch the video. If you can't read, fuck you! You can't read this anyways!

Morgan Spurlock changed the world when he released Super Size Me.

The motherfucker doesn't even know it. Now he runs around in a fat suit and cries more when people recognize him than when they don't.

But that one glorious moment in 2004 changed the world. This was when John Kerry holding-in-a-fart voice still seemed to have a chance at annoying global leaders as the "leader of the free world." Well, friends. Morgan Spurlock made the world a little less free.

I go to McDonald's now and I see nutrition information. I look at the low calorie options and think, "Holy shit, the salad has 500 calories and the Big Mac meal only has 700. That's only 200 more for something that I actually stepped into a fucking McDonald's for."

When I was a kid I always ordered super size fries. Now I look into the mirror and say, "It could be worse."

What I'm saying is that movie is responsible for fast food chains even bothering with salads. It's also responsible for John Kerry forcing his wife to step down from the Heinz cartel. And now a fast food slogging flesh robot is President.

I love fast food.

Let me tell you how Morgan Spurlock changed the world.

In 2004, we were okay. We fucked up with George W. Bush but we were on our way to correcting it. Ol' Johnny Burp Vocals was putting crowds into intense trances all throughout the campaign.

Then this fucking movie comes along and wakes up the sleeping demons of the American electorate. We're not going to give up our goddamn fast food but we had to put up with the morning shows following every dildo who "disproved" that Morgan Spurlock couldn't get a boner anymore after eating McDonald's for thirty days. Some of these people included a person who ate McDonald's for a week and exercised. Not exactly following a similar regimen but, sure, go ahead Mr. Fartknocker. Prove to the world you still look like no American ever with your goddamned muscles and your smug self satisfaction.

We were inundated with this shit.

We went to McDonald's for an escape and what the hell were we confronted with? We were confronted with banners proclaiming that they had salads and nutritional information available upon request. They also added the great feature of getting rid of the super size.

Friends, this made us irritable. This made us question our neighbor's political lawn sign. This made us vote for other candidates out of spite. This caused us to throw rocks at each other. We sat at opposite ends of the McDonald's dining room and stared holes into each other's hearts. We went mad.

We just wanted to eat in peace, knowing full well we were doing the equivalent of smoking cigarettes. It was useless escapism. It was a small middle finger to death but a huge 'fuck you' to life. More than the teenager drinking shitty beer, we were teenagers truly living on the edge. We were eating Chicken McNuggets and more than the daily recommended amount at that!

You know who else was eating at McDonald's?

Donald Trump.

Yeah, that Donald Trump.

Guess what he was doing?

Getting as angry as we all were.

Nobody wants a fucking salad, Morgan Spurlock. If I wanted a healthy cigarette, I'd be wearing hemp sandals, listening to Bob Marley, and smoking weed. We knew what we wanted.

Now we have Donald Trump, a product of our fast food wars. He's the pink slime of chicken nuggets left uncooked for too long and became sentient; a perfect amalgamation of our collective hatred for each other.

By getting rid of the super size, you fuck, you created a super super big league size. And now we're all eating salad at McDonald's. Get it? It means we're eating shit. We don't want to eat it.

New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest: The Greatest Dystopia in the World edition!

Oh boy, folks. Oh boy. That's about all you can say when the guy whose face looks like it broke a hydraulic press takes the place of actually qualified military officials on the National Security Council. I'm talking about Steve Bannon who, for as long as I can remember to, shall go by Steve Badman. Whatever happened to, "I'll listen to the generals?" Turns out he was talking about GENERAL FUCKING HOSPITAL.

He's broken a few hydraulic presses in his day and played a villain in General Hospital. He died of racism on the show. 

There were other things to lament, folks. The Muslim ban is ongoing for countries that don't have any Trump money tied up in them. Saudi Arabia dodged the ban list somehow.

In these trying times, what better way to unwind than another edition of my stupid captions for the world's smartest stupid cartoons?

You're taking your fear of my crippling syphilis a little too far.

Listen, you fucking clown. I'm not serving you. I don't care if you've had a long day. I don't care if you got cream pied in the face fifteen fucking times. You want a beer? You're going somewhere else because I am sick and tired of you dropping dingleberries behind my toilet seat. Jesus. Sit down when you wipe. 

The world is an endless void of terror. Rowing a boat through sand is an admirable act of defiance but we'd get home a lot quicker if we crawled.

Be sure to check out my last New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest post

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Trump Watch 2017: The Jeff Sessions Secession Session

Trump Watch 2017 in no way intends to be factual. You have to say that now or the fake news police will come fuck your face off. Trump Watch serves the sole purpose of me getting blocked by Donald Trump on Twitter or called out by blond ol' frog face.

A lot has happened since I decided to write about the Jeff Sessions session (more like Jeff Secessions, right?!). We learned that Donald Trump and Barack Obama share a bed to piss on. We learned that Donald Trump hates vaccines We learned that we are probably in the middle of another Russian intelligence operation that undermines our investigative journalists so that nothing is real and all news is fake news. Oh, wait. Did we not learn that yet? My money's on that one. 

Things are weird, folks. I don't know what to say. I'm a dyed in the wool liberal but I can't tell you how much fake news is spread in my liberal bubble. Now all these folks are running around screaming, "SOURCES! SOURCES! WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING SOURCES YOU FASCIST?!" but just four years ago they were posting memes of Ted Cruz's face with text that was written by a Democrat's wet dream. They were posting People magazine interviews of Trump stating he'd run as a Republican because Republicans are stupid. This is so blatantly stupid but what's worse is that smart people believed it! And shared it! And saw that just because there was a citation to an existing magazine, it must have been verified by somebody else. 

GOVERNMENT MANDATED CITATION: TED CRUZ, SPEAKING TO A CROWD OF PLASTIC SURGERY ENTHUSIASTS

Look, much of that report might have some footing in truth but I'm going to sit back and wait to really find out. Until then, I will make endless pee-pee jokes about Donald Trump. Did you hear he likes watching girls pee-pee!? Oh, man! That guy! President (elect) of the United States, everybody. 

Let's get to Jeff Secessions. He was in Congress and Al Franken choked him up on some lies. It was magnificent. There was a laugh track and everything. 

Republicans asked him softball questions like, "What color is your pubic hair?" and, "Do you think it's hot to watch people pee on places Presidents have slept on?" Sessions got through that swimmingly with both answers being, "Yes."

It wasn't until the Sessions caught Obama peering through a Capitol Hill window that he got tripped up. Sessions was all, "Oh, fuck. It's the outgoing President!" Everyone in Congress turned to look and Sessions got his scoot on out of there. It was a close one but let me predict this, Sessions is going to be whatever the hell it is he was nominated for (Generous Attorney). Republicans will confirm him in lockstep with Ol' President Pissy Pants's desires. 

I've been living in Texas for awhile and our government's ridiculous magnetism towards anti-intellectualism and conspiracy theories (Jade Helm, remember that?) had to have been just a minor slip up of our collective sanity, right? Nope. Turns out it was the future. 

Texas has long been the future of America. Now the rest of America can finally be scorched by the heat. 

Good luck, everyone.