The Right Wing Loves Beards Now So I Shaved My Face and Discovered Missing Chins

Ted Cruz, begat from slime secreted out of the asshole of a toad and some foot cheese that was scraped off with a rock somewhere in Canada, now has a beard. It is disturbing because it makes him look more human. It is disturbing because it gives definition to a face that once was the vocal sac used to attract amphibian partners once a year. It is disturbing most because when I looked in the mirror, I realized Ted Cruz was copying me.

A human family held hostage by a frog-and-foot-cheese hybrid smiles to avoid the wrath of an overactive vocal sac

Now, a little Trump has a beard. A face which once had no shape, now has a visible border between neck and face. He built a goddamn wall on his face to give more shape to his body than what once appeared like a discarded condom on a couch at a frat house. 

Someone played Wooly Willy with his face

I was defeated. The right wing has appropriated the last vestige of my my teenaged communism. I had a beard because Karl Marx had a beard and everyone knows he spent hours combing vaginal fluids out of it (because it was so sexy). Now the right wing wears a beard like they love Russia or something. 

I got out my Mach-Whatever razor and spent minutes scraping off my cheeks. I did the normal things one does when shaving their face off. I gave myself long sideburns, I gave myself a goatee, I gave myself the GG Allin. I laughed and sobbed as my tears and beard hair mixed into a beautiful kaleidoscope as they circled the drain of my sink. 

"Goodbye, youth!" I thought to myself. I imagined myself blowing the candles of a birthday cake. It was a new year. It is a new me. 

I had four chins. 

You should start listening to We Shot Mr. Burns.

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Pence doesn't kneel but bows out

Ol' human Chuck E. Cheese animatronic machine that became sentient and started ruining everybody's life, Mike Pence, bowed out of a football game because he couldn't stand the sight of free speech at a football game.

Thank you for spending all that money on a security detail and a seat just to walk out like a spoiled little brat.

That's the Trump administration for you. Symbolic gestures that amount to nothing but costs the taxpayer a hell of a lot. Let people kneel, dammit. Who gives a shit? Go fix something, you empty-eyed son of a bitch.

I respect the military, I respect the flag, I respect your right to get up out of your seat and walk out of a game after spending at least a hundo on your ticket. That's your right. I respect an American citizen's right not to put his hand over his heart. I respect his right to make a statement about police brutality. We are a police state for black men and women. That should make Americans uncomfortable. If the most offensive thing about their protest is kneeling for the national anthem - you should get your head out of your ass and start being enraged at what caused this whole thing.

Contrary to popular dogma, black Americans are just as American as anyone else even the orange colored skin bag that happens to be President. Black Americans have the same right to express themselves as white folks. White folks are free to show up at political rallies with guns but any time a black man is practicing his right to open carry, people lock their doors and call the cops. Or, this incident from 2008 when a black man wore "paramilitary" garb at a polling place and white America shat its diapers.

Let's be clear. It wasn't the uniform that the black man was wearing that caused Fox news to send the cameras. It was the combination of his skin color and what he was wearing. If it was just his clothing, we'd have cameras in Ted Nugent's face every time he left his house to find cat scratch fever medicine.

While we're at it, if the sight of people kneeling during the national anthem bothers you but the above photo of Ted Nugent wearing a US Army uniform does not you are a moron. A fuckin' moron as Rex Tillerson would say. Ted Nugent was so brave that he shit his pants to avoid the draft during Vietnam. Now he goes around playing dress up in a uniform that so many braver men and women died in.

President Trump avoided the draft by getting a doctor's note for bone spurs. But please, let's shit on some football players for understanding their constitutional right. I guarantee you they pay more taxes than any walking teratoma in the Trump family. 

Hey, you're an American. I'm an American. Can we just go back to debating fucking concussions or something? 

Don't forget to check out Deerman!

The FEMA camps in our hearts

Breathe it in, friends. These are last hours of Obama's presidency, and while the FEMA camps that were supposed to enslave Texas and install death panels as our governor never came maybe, just maybe, their lack of arrival reveals something even more sinister: the FEMA camps in our hearts.

Our hearts refused us happiness while the economy recovered, it refused us solace in the band-aid approach to fixing healthcare that was the ACA, it refused us the fortitude to not make a #ThanksObama joke no matter how lame or forced it was. Friends, our hearts were the conspiracy theory. Our hearts were the FEMA camps.

You have to read conspiracy theories as non-believers read the Bible: metaphorically. No, no, no, no Jade Helm wasn't a plot to take over Texas. Jade Helm was a metaphorical attempt to take over Texas. What it really was was a training exercise to protect Texas.

No, no, no, no there weren't death panels written into the ACA. The death panel talk was just a condemnation of a society that was obsessed with death. The ACA didn't need death panels, anyways. All you needed to do was get someone to steal a pizza in Texas and ol' Rick Perry would shoot him up with drugs that made him shit his pants ten times before he actually died. 

No, no, no! That was no terrorist fist bump the President and the First Lady partook in. That's just what it would look like if two terrorists gave each other a fist bump.

Trump may have said, "I'm sending investigators to Kenya," but what he meant was, "I could fucking care less about this shit but you people are eating it like it was dog shit from heaven." 

Look, I'm no "snowflake." I don't fly off the handle on Twitter for the whole world to see every time someone does a spot-on impression of me. Every time a Trump person says to give him a chance just like Republicans gave Obama a chance, just remember every day of Obama's presidency was called into question. His citizenship was questioned by the very person who will be our President tomorrow. 

I'm under no illusions about the office of the Presidency. I know that the arc of the United States Presidential universe bends towards sub-mediocrity. I know that we tend to worship the office based on its best examples and treat its worst as aberrations but we forget the more numerous middles. I know that a lot of my liberal friends are licking their wounds and pretending that Trump stands alone in the history of the United States. 

It just ain't true. Just remember, a Lincoln sandwich has two pieces of bread that go by James Buchanan and Andrew Johnson. 

I'm not saying it ain't going to be bad. It probably will be. But just ask the kids getting bombed daily in Yemen, Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, and Libya what they think of Obama. I'm saying this as a person who voted for him twice. If we are to get things done, we should at least be truthful to ourselves.

Make art, folks. Appreciate art. Consume art. Buy art. Art is all we are as a people. That's all we say to each other. The same people who shout "Death to America," secretly watch the Sopranos and listen to Britney Spears. The guy who voted for Trump lives in the same country as the guy who voted for Clinton. We're all in this together. 

Today I am saying, fuck President-Elect Trump. Tomorrow, I will be saying fuck President Trump. Probably. I don't know. I don't make promises like politicians do. 

Trump Watch 2017: The Jeff Sessions Secession Session

Trump Watch 2017 in no way intends to be factual. You have to say that now or the fake news police will come fuck your face off. Trump Watch serves the sole purpose of me getting blocked by Donald Trump on Twitter or called out by blond ol' frog face.

A lot has happened since I decided to write about the Jeff Sessions session (more like Jeff Secessions, right?!). We learned that Donald Trump and Barack Obama share a bed to piss on. We learned that Donald Trump hates vaccines We learned that we are probably in the middle of another Russian intelligence operation that undermines our investigative journalists so that nothing is real and all news is fake news. Oh, wait. Did we not learn that yet? My money's on that one. 

Things are weird, folks. I don't know what to say. I'm a dyed in the wool liberal but I can't tell you how much fake news is spread in my liberal bubble. Now all these folks are running around screaming, "SOURCES! SOURCES! WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING SOURCES YOU FASCIST?!" but just four years ago they were posting memes of Ted Cruz's face with text that was written by a Democrat's wet dream. They were posting People magazine interviews of Trump stating he'd run as a Republican because Republicans are stupid. This is so blatantly stupid but what's worse is that smart people believed it! And shared it! And saw that just because there was a citation to an existing magazine, it must have been verified by somebody else. 

GOVERNMENT MANDATED CITATION: TED CRUZ, SPEAKING TO A CROWD OF PLASTIC SURGERY ENTHUSIASTS

Look, much of that report might have some footing in truth but I'm going to sit back and wait to really find out. Until then, I will make endless pee-pee jokes about Donald Trump. Did you hear he likes watching girls pee-pee!? Oh, man! That guy! President (elect) of the United States, everybody. 

Let's get to Jeff Secessions. He was in Congress and Al Franken choked him up on some lies. It was magnificent. There was a laugh track and everything. 

Republicans asked him softball questions like, "What color is your pubic hair?" and, "Do you think it's hot to watch people pee on places Presidents have slept on?" Sessions got through that swimmingly with both answers being, "Yes."

It wasn't until the Sessions caught Obama peering through a Capitol Hill window that he got tripped up. Sessions was all, "Oh, fuck. It's the outgoing President!" Everyone in Congress turned to look and Sessions got his scoot on out of there. It was a close one but let me predict this, Sessions is going to be whatever the hell it is he was nominated for (Generous Attorney). Republicans will confirm him in lockstep with Ol' President Pissy Pants's desires. 

I've been living in Texas for awhile and our government's ridiculous magnetism towards anti-intellectualism and conspiracy theories (Jade Helm, remember that?) had to have been just a minor slip up of our collective sanity, right? Nope. Turns out it was the future. 

Texas has long been the future of America. Now the rest of America can finally be scorched by the heat. 

Good luck, everyone. 

Updates and Madness

I am actually waking up in the middle of the night because I am stressed out about the election.

Nina told me I said, "Shut up, Ted Cruz," while sleeping the other night.

I'm proud of my subconscious.

My subconscious. 

When I'm bored, I doodle on my phone. My phone has a stylus so it's a lot easier to combine tracing and doodling. People seemed really impressed with my "skills" until I told them they were mostly traced. Then they weren't as impressed. But, hey, they were impressed for a second. 

This is where the election has taken my mind. I expected at some point that I'd get to kick back, satisfied with Obama's presidency despite its flaws and just show up to vote for who I thought would best lead the country without a whole hell of a lot invested in it but this election has taught me that you have to be invested all of the fucking time. 

I'll make no bones about it: Trump fucking scares me. 

I'd vote for a rock before I accept Trump as President because at least you can throw a fucking rock. 

Bangface and the Gloryhole is coming out soon and now I have a whole backlog of ideas bouncing around this ol' empty skull of mine that are waiting for their chance to see paper. There's a lot to write and I suspect whatever it is we're going through as a country will make some kind of appearance. Bangface already captures some of it. I didn't know it when I was writing it because when I was writing Bangface, Trump was still very much a joke-candidate.

Joke's on us. 

My full length novel, Invasion of the Weirdos, is out and about with a publisher or two after the disintegration of my first publisher, Double Life Press. I'm crossing my fingers for good news there because I do think it's a good piece of work. 

We'll see.