Friday, August 4, 2017

I almost burned my house down making cold brew

It's true.

I may be the only person alive who has almost burned down their house while making cold brew. I'm taking my coffee game to the next level, nerds.


It's simple. I was using a criminally overpriced coffee sock and I needed to clean it. I put it in a pot of water to boil. Then I remembered that my life is worth much more than watching some fucking pot of water waiting for it to boil. The old adage says, "A watched pot never boils," so I put on my sweet gaming headphones and played a few rounds of Call of Duty before I heard the fire alarm go off and the scent of burning human intelligence in the kitchen.



 "OH FUCK DUDE!" I yelled to my compatriot who was probably not listening to me.

I ran to the kitchen in my boxer shorts, shirtless, and my socks. The fire was in the pot. There was no water in the pot. It had already evaporated.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit!"

I threw some water on the burned coffee sock, really regretting that I got the American flag design at that point, and the fire was gone.

Smoke filled the house. I opened every window. I grabbed a broom to help push the smoke out. I grabbed my cat to throw around to vent my frustrations.

I didn't make any cold brew for about a year after that.

Now, I have a new method.

HOW TO MAKE COLD BREW WITHOUT BURNING DOWN  YOUR HOUSE OR SPENDING $10 ON A GLORIFIED PIECE OF CHEESE CLOTH

1. Grind the beans real coarse.

2. Dump the beans in your mason jar.

3. Fill the mason jar full of water.

4. Seal the cap.

5. Forget about it for a day.

6. Pour the liquid out into another mason jar with the help of a wire strainer.

7. Voila! You have cold brew without burning down your whole fucking house.

Hopefully this helped you get through another day of monotony and everyone screaming about politics and whatever, whatever. I've been thinking a lot lately about our collective mania. High-powered cold brew should help fuel it.

Oh, yeah! Deerman episode 1 is out! Check it out! Become a patron! 


Tuesday, August 1, 2017

New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest: Steve Bannon Is A Sexual Gymnast Edition!

Oh, God. Here we go again. This one might have a repeat but I am unsure because I'm too lazy to sift through my old posts. Look, I'm not Steve Bannon. I'm not sitting around trying to stuff a banana into the orange lodged up my ass, okay!?
They say they want to turn our town into a destination.

It's kind of weird that we gentrified all around this one guy's taco cart.

Now that I've killed your children in a display of my awesome power, I want you two to sift through my litter box again.

As a matter of fact, my dick DOES hurt.






Deerman, episode 1


Deerman is here, y'all. Check it out!

Click here for PodBean

Click here for YouTube



iTunes coming soon!

Thanks to Jack Arambula for creating the art for this episode.

Thanks to the Grassy Knoll for providing the theme song. Why not buy their album? http://amzn.to/2hjX96V

Help support the Deerman project by becoming a patron: http://www.patreon.com/ahilbert

Help support the Deerman project by buying something from Amazon. It adds nothing to your total, it just gives us a sweet, sweet monetary kickback to keep this shows' wheels greased. You can get my latest book, Invasion of the Weirdos! http://amzn.to/2w1vfA9

Follow me on twitter @AHILBERT3000


Sunday, July 23, 2017

Deerman Begins August 1, 2017!

Deerman begins on August 1st!

Support Deerman by becoming a Patron on http://www.patreon.com/ahilbert



http://amzn.to/2vyY1I0

Click on our Amazon link to help support Deerman. It adds nothing to your cost and it helps us tell the Deerman saga.



Why not buy the Grassy Knoll album? http://amzn.to/2gUZJ35



Twitter: @ahilbert3000

http://www.deermanbegins.com

http://deerman.podbean.com

http://www.hilbertheckler.com



Monday, July 3, 2017

Deerman: The next great American shitpost.

Howdy, folks.



For a hot minute I've been marinating on this Deerman idea and what the best way to release it was.

There is no way to promote it as a physical book. Sure, there is. But there's no good way to.

I decided to serialize the book and release each chapter on a monthly basis with accompanying audio and images.

I plan to launch it publicly in the first week of August. If you become a subscriber on Patreon, you will get each chapter a full week ahead of everyone else.

I'm still playing around with distribution methods and whatnot but every chapter will be posted on deermanbegins.com as well as on YouTube and PodBean and all those magical channels.

Please become a patron today!

I believe this will end up being a novella length story of about 12 chapters or more but it can go anywhere. That's the beauty of serializing the damn thing.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

How to stay cool in the heat wave

It's hot outside. It's so hot, you could fry an egg in your car if you hated cars that smelled bearable to drive in.

Here's how to stay cool in the heat wave of 2017.

My lyrics largely make no sense but my fan base also hates "mumble" rap stuff. Nothing makes sense. Life is a vortex ending in death.

1. Shades. Everyone needs a cool pair of shades. I suggest Ray Ban Wayfarers. They're classic. They already match a coke nail perfectly.

Exhibit A: It's a coke nail despite your uncle telling you it's for the hard to reach boogers. It's for hard to reach boogers if you want to blast them with coke.

2. Get some cigarettes and pack them constantly. Everyone knows that's fucking cool no matter how hot it is.

Good form!

3. Tell everyone within earshot how much air conditioning is ruining the environment. Tell people you prefer kombucha as a natural way of cooling your body down. That and coconut oil. Lots of coconut oil. 



4. Get caught reading at every turn. On the shitter? Leave the door open so everyone knows you're extending your stay at Porcelain Hotel's pool to get through this nail-biting chapter of Capital by Karl Marx. 

5. Get angel investors for your start-up that is going to change the paradigm and disrupt the market through superior storytelling and a competitive benefits package. (*cough* hummusballgag.com *cough*)