SUPERBOWL THINGS TO DO FOR NON SUPERBOWL PEOPLE

Whether you're into the Superbowl or not, you'll be talking about it because everyone loves the guy at the Superbowl party who says, "I can't watch American football. It's just not soccer enough." Eat your fucking Doritos, cowboy, and enjoy the fact that American football is just as much about the snacks and debauchery as it is about a bunch of men in tights bumping jockstraps.

Here are some things non-Superbowl fans can do on the Superbowl.

1. Say something about a Superb Owl. 

It's truly the cleverest thing anyone has ever heard in 1996 when the internet first spilled into the homes of people dying to be clever to other people dying to cut-and-paste other people's cleverness. Clever is the sanctuary of the unfunny. 

2. Talk about soccer

That image right above this? I don't even know if it's a photograph of soccer because I'm an American and I haven't watched the game. It looks like it involves people either shooting balls out of their ass or stuffing balls into their ass. You cannot talk about soccer as some kind of elegant and sophisticated sport in comparison to football when you are at a Superbowl party doing keg stands and dipping nacho Doritos into ranch dip. You're exactly where you belong, cowboy. In America. 

3. Say you're only there for the commercials then complain about how the commercials suck

Of course they suck. Who the hell wants to be advertised to about the virtues of pistachios? I know pistachios are good but until they start dusting nacho cheese flakes onto the damn things, I don't need a commercial about them. I've never seen a commercial for Virginia peanuts and it doesn't look the peanut industry is in its death throes. You're there for the party.

CONFESSION TIME

I don't know anything about football. I could care less if the Seattle Super Sonics beat the Texas Rangers today. But what I do care about is tradition. And my tradition dictates that I make a date with the toilet tonight after a day of being confused and lied to. The toilet's a good date, too. You start by sitting on it and you end by falling asleep holding it.