Friday, January 25, 2019

The Right Wing Loves Beards Now So I Shaved My Face and Discovered Missing Chins

Ted Cruz, begat from slime secreted out of the asshole of a toad and some foot cheese that was scraped off with a rock somewhere in Canada, now has a beard. It is disturbing because it makes him look more human. It is disturbing because it gives definition to a face that once was the vocal sac used to attract amphibian partners once a year. It is disturbing most because when I looked in the mirror, I realized Ted Cruz was copying me.

A human family held hostage by a frog-and-foot-cheese hybrid smiles to avoid the wrath of an overactive vocal sac

Now, a little Trump has a beard. A face which once had no shape, now has a visible border between neck and face. He built a goddamn wall on his face to give more shape to his body than what once appeared like a discarded condom on a couch at a frat house. 

Someone played Wooly Willy with his face


I was defeated. The right wing has appropriated the last vestige of my my teenaged communism. I had a beard because Karl Marx had a beard and everyone knows he spent hours combing vaginal fluids out of it (because it was so sexy). Now the right wing wears a beard like they love Russia or something. 

I got out my Mach-Whatever razor and spent minutes scraping off my cheeks. I did the normal things one does when shaving their face off. I gave myself long sideburns, I gave myself a goatee, I gave myself the GG Allin. I laughed and sobbed as my tears and beard hair mixed into a beautiful kaleidoscope as they circled the drain of my sink. 

"Goodbye, youth!" I thought to myself. I imagined myself blowing the candles of a birthday cake. It was a new year. It is a new me. 

I had four chins. 

You should start listening to We Shot Mr. Burns.



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