Thursday, June 12, 2014

The Dumb Ass's Guide to the World Cup 2014

This is America. We don't know anything about soccer. The only thing I know about soccer is that when the World Cup came to America in 1994, I could buy a Happy Meal at McDonald's and get some country's flag pin.

Even as a child, I pretended to like soccer and flag pins just to eat unlimited chicken nuggets and BBQ sauce (this was before the ten cent upcharge on "extra" sauce packets.)

So, you and your friends want to be super worldly and Euro. I get it. I present to you, the Dumb Ass's Guide to the World Cup 2014.

My favorite pastime. Just ask Nina. 

1. When saddling a bar stool, say, "Hey, barkeep! Why aren't any of these many televisions playing La Copa Mundial?!" Always say La Copa Mundial with the same fervor Americans insist on calling futebol soccer. That'll show everyone around you that you are a person who loves nuance. 

2. Similarly, pronounce Brazil with a hard 's.' 

Example: "Can you believe the corruption of the BraSilian government in BraSil? Spending billions of dollars on a silly game that I insist on watching despite my interest in the plight of poor people I'll never see." This absolves you of all participation. Admitting the World Cup is a waste of money automatically allows you to watch it guilt-free. 

3. Say you love America and immediately negate that by actually watching soccer. 

4. Every conversation has to start with, "I hate sports but I love soccer." This is required of every American soccer watcher. You also say, "I don't even own a TV," in the middle of every conversation no matter what the topic is. 

5. Proclaim your love of soccer's intense focus on athlete's legs. Why do American sports insist on only showing the upper body? Why can't we focus on clean shaven, sweaty, sweet, sweet, androgynous legs?

6. If you must root for America, pick another team that has a chance better than a tee-totaling asexual at an orgy in Hell. 

7. Always point out that athletes in America (that don't play soccer) aren't even any good at faking injury.

8. Don't ever mix vuvuzela and favela in a sentence. Avoid sentences like, "Favelas are so annoying. They scream out, 'look at me! I can make noises in my mouth!" and, "I really feel for the plight of the vuvuzelas. It's not right that I sit here and watch this game while the vuvuzelas are marginalized."

9. Bring a really highfalutin French novel to whatever bar you choose to watch the games in. You'll be reading a lot of it because we all know soccer is boring as fuck. 

You're welcome. 

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