Let's look at the five times in history those dudes were right.
5. Santa Claus Doesn't Exist
Rumors swirled for years from older cousins and schoolyard bullies but it was hard to believe because, WHO ELSE HAS MOM'S HANDWRITING, KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT, AND LEAVES REINDEER SHIT ALL OVER MY CARPET? Santa, duh.
But it turns out the schoolyard bully was right about a lot of things. Santa's no exception.
I remember when I first found out Santa wasn't real. It was just a few years ago. I wished really hard for a brand new PlayStation and I was good all year. Then I got a letter in the mail from my dad that said, "Andrew, seriously. You have a job. You live in Texas. If you want a PlayStation, just buy one. You don't have to keep dropping hints to us over the phone and mentioning how good you are. Santa doesn't exist."
Then he hung up.
The world crumbled around me. I wanted to die. I shivered, naked, cold, and alone on my bathroom floor... without a PlayStation.
4. My neighbor, Jerry, is out to get me.
It started with the foot stomping all over the my ceiling. Jerry walks like he's got dicks for feet and the only thing that arouses them is banging them on carpet.
So he does it all night.
Then, out of nowhere, new neighbors come along and I'm positive their friends with Jerry. Their dog just barks like a maniac all night long while I'm just trying to sit alone in darkness and plot out a strategy to get Jerry out of the apartment.
Then I get a notice that my rent wasn't received. That's bullshit. Jerry took it out of the mailbox.
3. I'm still pretty pissed off about Santa.
You know, you live your whole life thinking one thing and then the very same people that spoon fed you this lie are the ones that tell you EVERYTHING YOU EVER KNEW IS A LIE.
What is it, dad? Is it also not true that I'm special and talented in every way? Then why don't I have a brand new PlayStation on the part of my apartment where there would be a fireplace if a fireplace was practical? Where's all the deer shit? Why do my cookies go uneaten?
2. Connect Santa and Jesus and... oh, shit.
IS IT TRUE? IS IT TRUE, DAD? IF SANTA (WHO GOES AROUND THE WORLD GIVING GIFTS TO ALL THE GOOD CHILDREN IN CELEBRATION OF THE GLORIOUS LIFE OF BELOVED LEADER JESUS CHRIST) IS FAKE THEN...
1. Dinosaurs are extinct.
When Jurassic Park came out fifty years ago, I was just a boy. Many of the school children would circle around me and ask me what I thought of Jurassic Park being that I was the only kid cool enough to have seen it before anyone else (I didn't tell them that I had to hold my mom's hand during the raptors in the kitchen scene because I scared my balls back into pre-puberty). Still, I was the cool kid.
I told them the graphics were great and one kid said, "Nuh-uh! They really used dinosaurs!"
Outwardly, I was like, "Bitch, please. You didn't even see the movie because you're so poor and you smell like your mom bathes you in her cigarettes, wine, and tears."
All the other kids laughed and I popped the collar on my jean jacket, turned my cap backwards, put on my sunglasses with neon frames, and strutted with the prettiest non-English speaking girl at the school, Elsa. All the kids laughed at the kid I made fun of because it was pretty much true that he smelled like cigarettes, wine, and tears but the tear smell could have been from his own.
Inside, I was dying. I knew he could have been right. I carried this inside me for years and years until yesterday, when I finally watched the extras on the Jurassic Park DVD. They didn't use dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs are extinct.