Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Surviving Thanksgiving

Heathens and hippies will call it Turkey Day or Tofurkey Day. It is not called either of those things. It is called Turkey Day. There's a war on our dignity akin to the war on Xmas.

Thanksgiving comes from the ancient ritual literally translated as "Stuff Your Fat Face With These Grains. There is a famine coming and this may be the last chance to experience flavor."

When the first honkeys arrived in America, they appropriated the holiday and changed the name to "Thanksgiving," as in, "Thanks for dying so easily, other people here."

Today we're inundated with articles about surviving Thanksgiving and neat-o tips and tricks about making a non-traditional, vegan, Wiccan Thanksgiving dinner made out of bean sprouts and baby blood on This begs the question: How do we survive Thanksgiving?

Thanks, grandma.

Easy, go out and murder a goddamn turkey, stick it in the oven, and listen to your friends and family talk about how good burning flesh smells. Then you eat the goddamned turkey and you say to the turkey, "Thanks for dying so easily, you damn bird."

While we're on the subject, birds are straight from hell.

Just look at the birds pestering you for garbanzo beans and kombucha while you eat at Whole Foods. They are ragged, their eyes are lifeless, and their bird songs sound like the worst metal band you've ever heard. Anyone who tells me birds are animals has obviously never eaten one. Birds are as dumb as carrots right up to the moment you stuff its head in your mouth and bite it off. They have no idea what fate awaits them.

There was an article recently about what other countries think Americans eat on Thanksgiving. It was enjoyable because we get so much crap for not knowing about other cultures but all of the people he called were clueless about our holiday. They were even perturbed that some American called them in the dead of night to pester them about their ignorance.

I've got news for the world. This is America and we eat EVERYTHING on Thanksgiving.

A traditional American Thanksgiving. 

Thank you, Cheetos. You taste great inside a turkey.

Just in case you run out of Cheetos, keep some in the soap dish. #SurvivingThanksgiving

In other news, my good friend Elizabeth submitted a design to Threadless that was accepted. Her design is an homage to the Citizen Kane of our generation, Dazed and Confused. Vote for it!

I'd wear it. 

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