Wednesday, December 28, 2016

New year resolutions

It's the socially acceptable time to lie to ourselves and the world in public. Let's make resolutions:

1. It's time to stop eating your toenails. There is something delicious about three day old, dirty sock gunk but you're getting older and you can't afford to keep that to yourself. Grab a tooth pick and scrape the bottoms of your toenails and dump it into your scoby for kombucha. It's organic and locally sourced and no animals were fucked up in the process.

Kombucha juice

2. Find a new god. The old one ain't good enough. Find one that has a gym membership and wears their sweat like it was a necklace of ears from fallen enemies. They will look like a human boner. This god will dig your kombucha and will be able to tell what brand of shoes you were wearing. This god will protect you from Trump by wrapping you in plastic wrap, kicking you repeatedly, and throwing you into a lake. This god is a lot like the old one.

Human boners.

3. Shop local. It's time to stop driving 50 miles to your "favorite" Wal-Mart when there's a perfectly good one a block away. They all smell like diapers old and young. They all have a grimy film of despair caking around the legs of shelves. They all sell videogames for twelve cents cheaper than any other brick and mortar. Be local.

4. It's time to quit smoking. There's a new thing called wrecking. You just stick a cigarette up your ass, fart, and light in on fire. It's less harmful and way more likely to impress a drunk hobo.

5. Wow your co-workers with tales of how you used to do really cool stuff and you're now back on track thanks to a new philosophy class you found on YouTube. People will totally cover your shifts for your tent retreats with your group of new friends who worship the new god and love your kombucha.

6. Get more politically active. Post more articles with headlines that start with, "YOU WON'T BELIEVE."

7. Resolve to be kinder to the little fucking turds taking your order at Jack in the Box. How many fucking times do I have to say curly fries you poor schmuck?!

8. Get a drug dealer who has a passing grasp on the mechanics of time. You're not buying into this cosmic relativity anymore. Fucking Einstein.

9. It's time to know the political leanings of not only the CEOs of companies you patronize but even the register clerks. Oh, you donate your money to an organization that keeps unhatched chickens in a box? I'll buy my free range eggs elsewhere, thank you very much.



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