Sunday, December 18, 2016

Our Annual Holiday War

Good morning, America!

It's that time of year where we fight with all of mankind about the tiniest possible deviations from the ideal X-mas celebration.

Did I say X instead of Christ? Surely, I will burn in hell.

Not so fast though, mate! X is actually short for Christ so even though you want to associate me with the Nation of Islam, I am still acknowledging Santa's ascension into Heaven on a magic X-mas tree guided by the holy trinity: Wal-Mart, Black Friday, and Rudolph.

Years ago, I worked at Costco. Me, being the perfectly decent little liberal I am, decided I would just say Happy Holidays to everyone because there truly is a ton of holidays being celebrated in a small two week cluster. Contrary to popular belief, Jews do exist! And they celebrate a holiday right around the same time as Christians! Though not the same holiday! But sometimes! Maybe!


So, without incident, I would say Happy Holidays. Why? Because there's Hannukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, even New Years. Nobody cared despite Bill O' Reilly frothing at the mouth as he pulled out his persecution boner and ejaculated all over America.

But there was one lady, dressed up like Santa's most widowed elf. She had candy cane earrings, a Christmas sweater emblazoned with a tree. Not one, but two necklaces! One was a cross! And the other was a sleigh being pulled by reindeer!

What did I say to this lady?

I said, "Merry Christmas."

She was so happy!

"Nobody says Merry Christmas anymore! They all say Happy Holidays to appease the heathens! Thank you so much! There is still good in America!"

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't saying, "Merry Christmas" to fire a small shot for God's army in the War on Christmas. I said Merry Christmas because it was obvious that she celebrated Christmas. You know what I said to the next person? I said, "Happy Holidays."

Contrary to my Facebook feed, this war has kind of died down in recent years. It's no longer the Happy Holidays vs. the Merry Christmas crowd. It's the Black Santa vs. White Santa crowd. People are literally fighting over the color of a fictional fat guy.

I don't claim to know any more than anybody else's stupid beliefs. I hold a number of stupid beliefs myself. People are entitled to their stupid beliefs. Fine. But when push comes to shove, let's just remember that Christmas is about spending money on toys made by kids who should be playing with toys and the more everyone boycotts retailers over what phrase to use or what color Santa is, the more we lose sight of what's important: the global economy requires suffering in one region to ensure wealth in another.

Merry Christmas!

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