Let's give Andy Borowitz the old Trump Try

Honestly folks, we will never defeat Trump if we continue to share and like "satire" by Andy Borowitz. Andy Borowitz's sense of humor about Trump is almost as bad as Donald Trump's sense of humor about Trump.

Trump Try (n): A self-serving and dishonest attempt at doing anything. 

The New Yorker should stick to New Yorker humor. You know, the kind that elicits a nose in the air and a, "harumph," followed by a, "Waiter, please! I was told this was would be a locally sourced souffle." I don't even know what the Borowitz report attempts to do.

This is funny because this could have been a toaster.

One side of me thinks that it's a cynical attempt by the New Yorker to get in on the fake news click bait money train because, I swear to you, 90% of my friends who share this shit think it's real because the New Yorker posted it. The other 10% have no sense of humor.

Well, in a show of honesty... I'm going to give ol' Borowitz a good old fashioned Trump Try. I'm going to read his articles and see if they're funny with you as my witness.

Seriously, go grab a bowl of cereal. Doesn't have to be dairy milk. It can be hemp. Just do it and start eating. Now read this line.

In an official statement, the karaoke machine said that it was withdrawing because it “did not want my participation at the Inauguration to in any way be construed as an endorsement of Donald Trump.”  - from Karaoke Machine Backs Out of Performing at Inauguration 

Did milk squirt out of your nose as you laughed away the pain of a Cheerio becoming lodged in your nostril by the humorous brilliance of Mr. Borowitz? Probably not.

Am I misrepresenting the humor displayed in the piece? I don't know because I couldn't find anything humorous in the whole thing! I think the humor is derived from the fact that even non-thinking and non-feeling machines are refusing to play at the inauguration. It's a funny thought, I guess. It isn't a three paragraph joke.

How about this:

In an attempt to quell that controversy, Putin said late on Sunday that he would instead serenade Trump by singing the Bette Midler classic, “Wind Beneath My Wings.”  - from Putin to Sing at Trump Inauguration

I.... I can't even... Gah... I don't know anymore. Is that, like, a gay joke or something? I can't even tell because this shit is so incredibly lame. It's bad because we all can rightly criticize liberal funny people for being too smug and nose in the air. But... this? Is this even smug? Or is it smug by virtue that it's in the New Yorker? Is it even funny? Or is it just funny because I know Borowitz agrees with me on politics in a broad sense and it's labeled satire? I just don't get it. There is literally no comedic merit in anything he writes.

“I was terrified,” Vasily Dmitrovic, who lives in St. Petersburg, said. “They broke down my door. My wife was screaming. They would not leave until I handed over ‘Mamma Mia!’ ” - from Russia Bans Meryl Streep Movies

Only to continue with:

In an appearance on state television, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered no reason for the ban, other than to say that Streep was “overrated.” - from Russia Bans Meryl Streep Movies

Seriously, folks. This has to stop. This is like going to the doctor for a prostrate exam and after it's done the doctor starts by saying, "Here's what I found..." He turns around, starts scribbling, and leaves the room never to come back. You know there's supposed to be more to this sentence but the doctor's gone and you still have his latex glove up your butt. AND the nurse is showing the next patient into your room. There's no joke there and there sure as shit ain't a goddamn joke in the Borowitz Report.

“Based on these tweets, this particular four-year-old has a loose grasp on reality, lacks all impulse control, and is potentially very dangerous.” - from Intel Chiefs Say Trump's Twitter Account Hacked by a Four Year Old

Okay! Let's all slap each other's back at this golden revelation of humor! So poignant! So fucking pointless!

This is funny because my shirt is the number 8 and if you think about the proximity of 8 to both 6 and 9 numerically, you will laugh because 8 is kind of close to 69. 

Do yourself a favor. You can read the Borowitz Report all you want but the second you share shit like that for your friends to see, you reveal yourself to be a virtue and intellect signaling wiener boy who wants to show off their degree to all of their high school friends. That or you believe it's true. We all have a fake news problem but we all also have a terrible satire problem. Just because it's "political" and "not true" doesn't make it funny. If it's "not funny" and labeled as "satire" it's probably "The Borowitz Report."

When it comes to making fun of Trump, we're all just trying to get it right.

Book Review: Being Nixon by Evan Thomas

Being Nixon by Evan Thomas is an extraordinary portrait of our most infamous president. Evan Thomas goes deep into the story of Richard Nixon's beginnings and works hard to write the story of a complex person rather than a one-dimensional crook that we are so used to in the States.

From reading this book, you start to realize that Nixon became so paranoid with power and was so quick to anger and exaggeration, that his team never had a clear picture of what they were to do. This left openings for the more criminally minded in his inner circle to orchestrate the Watergate break-in. Evan Thomas does not absolve Nixon of guilt in any way. Instead, he takes pains to meticulously explain the circumstances surrounding Nixon and the paranoia that consumed him.

Being Nixon also goes through great lengths to unpack Richard Nixon's growing up. He was a hard worker rather than naturally intellectually gifted. He abhorred elitism and disliked the rich. He was petty and his pettiness drove him to more.

Too often, we judge the Presidency as a sacred seat; only giants can sit there. So, we remember the great Presidents, of which there are only a handful, and mythologize them the same way we mythologize religious figures. When there is an awful President, everything about them is bad. We take pains to point out how the system worked to cut off the cancer. It's just not true and it's not fair to the humanity of the people that hold the office. Being Nixon is the first attempt at writing about Nixon as a man rather than as solely a political figure that I've read and it's a page turner.

I highly recommend it. If you think politics has gotten dirtier, this book will show you that you're wrong. Politics has always been dirty and 2016 is no aberration from the norm. It is the norm.

Trump Watch 2017: The Jeff Sessions Secession Session

Trump Watch 2017 in no way intends to be factual. You have to say that now or the fake news police will come fuck your face off. Trump Watch serves the sole purpose of me getting blocked by Donald Trump on Twitter or called out by blond ol' frog face.

A lot has happened since I decided to write about the Jeff Sessions session (more like Jeff Secessions, right?!). We learned that Donald Trump and Barack Obama share a bed to piss on. We learned that Donald Trump hates vaccines We learned that we are probably in the middle of another Russian intelligence operation that undermines our investigative journalists so that nothing is real and all news is fake news. Oh, wait. Did we not learn that yet? My money's on that one. 

Things are weird, folks. I don't know what to say. I'm a dyed in the wool liberal but I can't tell you how much fake news is spread in my liberal bubble. Now all these folks are running around screaming, "SOURCES! SOURCES! WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING SOURCES YOU FASCIST?!" but just four years ago they were posting memes of Ted Cruz's face with text that was written by a Democrat's wet dream. They were posting People magazine interviews of Trump stating he'd run as a Republican because Republicans are stupid. This is so blatantly stupid but what's worse is that smart people believed it! And shared it! And saw that just because there was a citation to an existing magazine, it must have been verified by somebody else. 

GOVERNMENT MANDATED CITATION: TED CRUZ, SPEAKING TO A CROWD OF PLASTIC SURGERY ENTHUSIASTS

Look, much of that report might have some footing in truth but I'm going to sit back and wait to really find out. Until then, I will make endless pee-pee jokes about Donald Trump. Did you hear he likes watching girls pee-pee!? Oh, man! That guy! President (elect) of the United States, everybody. 

Let's get to Jeff Secessions. He was in Congress and Al Franken choked him up on some lies. It was magnificent. There was a laugh track and everything. 

Republicans asked him softball questions like, "What color is your pubic hair?" and, "Do you think it's hot to watch people pee on places Presidents have slept on?" Sessions got through that swimmingly with both answers being, "Yes."

It wasn't until the Sessions caught Obama peering through a Capitol Hill window that he got tripped up. Sessions was all, "Oh, fuck. It's the outgoing President!" Everyone in Congress turned to look and Sessions got his scoot on out of there. It was a close one but let me predict this, Sessions is going to be whatever the hell it is he was nominated for (Generous Attorney). Republicans will confirm him in lockstep with Ol' President Pissy Pants's desires. 

I've been living in Texas for awhile and our government's ridiculous magnetism towards anti-intellectualism and conspiracy theories (Jade Helm, remember that?) had to have been just a minor slip up of our collective sanity, right? Nope. Turns out it was the future. 

Texas has long been the future of America. Now the rest of America can finally be scorched by the heat. 

Good luck, everyone. 

The New Yorker cartoon caption contest: the addition edition

I want to slap the shit out of you.

Isn't it kind of weird that this wave looks like my idea of what fascism is and could be seen as a poignant metaphor in my cultural critique of America? Too bad we're all going to fucking die.

Now is not the time to remind me that you told me I shouldn't put the cat in the microwave.

I'm not going to sit here and be ignored all fucking day, oppressor.

I invented fake news and I'm why Trump is President

I bet you can't even find the first recorded instance of internet vandalism that has lasted over 10 years. It's the part about being recruited after dinner and a movie over a glass of wine. It was totally innocuous and an experiment as to whether my vandalism would last. 

I was with my brother. I told him, "Look, all you gotta do is add a citation to an existing book and nobody will know or care."

Then I forgot.

Photoshop by Elizabeth Jackson

I didn't just do this to Phil Jackson. I did this to Putin as well. Putin's didn't last. It was also a very benign change. Probably something about how he drank milk with Boris Yeltsin while Boris lounged in a hot tub. It was a little over the top but it did have a citation! It was sourced, dammit!

Fast forward a decade and more

and I get a text message from my brother. I was lounging around in a hot tub, drinking milk with the future autocrat of the Republic of Austin. I completely forgot. Wikipedia caught the vandalism sometime in the past decade.

But the damage was done. The information was out there and it spread its tentacles everywhere. Now people think Phil Jackson, a guy who has to make one of his championship rings a cock ring just so he can wear them all at once, was recruited over a glass of wine.

The similarity between Mike Pence and Rat Thing was first noted by RJ Velasco.

Do I regret my youthful indiscretions? Yes.

I'm sorry, America. This is why Trump is President.

The genitalia wars come to Texas

It now takes more documentation to take a shit in a toilet that isn't yours than it does to pass a bill declaring that the dick your pissing out of better match the cast your doctor made out of it on your birth certificate. Not everything is bigger in Texas, amigo, just the size of our lieutenant governor's ego and his incessant need to hide the fact that he was born with a fleshy pouch for genitalia and he pisses and shits out of his mouth. Out of his mouth and onto paper and into law, folks.

This bill won't pass. Well, hopefully it won't anyway. It's a big government boondoggle waste of fear that could be better spent on other things to be scared of. You have to hire dick and pussy checkers at the front of every door to keep the perverts who want to look at your junk out. And the only folks who'll take those jobs are the very ones you want to keep out. Why even go in when Dan Patrick is paying you to wiggle a finger around. Used to be that you could just punch a hole through a stall and wait for hours for a consenting adult and do it for free. Now, lean, freedom-loving, small, and non-intrusive government of Texas has added a mandate to make sure your long Johnny isn't a lazy Susan.

The point is, folks, that nobody is going into the pisser to hold your dick for you against your will. The only way your dick is being touched is if you ask for it. The government, though, will be creating a huge bureaucracy of weirdos with the power to humiliate you before you even get the chance to stand next to a guy with a really loud stream. The only people who will take these jobs are weiners who would be criminals if the government didn't elevate them to law enforcement.

There's nothing wrong with adults doing whatever they want to each other but don't strip search me if you don't believe I'm packing the kind of heat I say I am. It's a 9mm, if you must know. Compact when tucked into the waistband of my jeans when I'm the one getting felt up by Texas's finest big headed pervert, Dan Patrick.

Look, just because I'm driving a Mercedes SLK 230 doesn't mean I'm an asshole

Look, just because I got a sick ride for a hell of a deal doesn't mean I'm an asshole.

My wife's car did the equivalent of a human intending to use the toilet, shitting all over the floor, and dying. We needed a new car and a family member showed mercy and I can't thank them enough.

A friend told me people were going to treat my car differently. I didn't understand but later that night, when I went to show him my ride some jerk threw the remainder of their quinoa salad wrap on it. He turned and said, "See?"

Look, just because I'm driving a Mercedes SLK 230 doesn't mean I'm an asshole.

Oh, shit. It's an SLK 320.

I know I stopped going to In-N-Out and started ordering takeout at TGI Fridays but, I gotta eat the way my ride looks like I eat. TGI, sure it's a more expensive burger but they also sell birds at TGI.

Yeah, I say bird instead of chicken now. It's totally not because I'm driving a Mercedes SLK 320. Did I mention it's a convertible?

I don't tip as much anymore because you have no idea how much insurance is on a sports car. You'd think everyone thinks everyone who drives a sports car is an asshole but believe me, I only go 90 when some Japanese box revs their engine at me. Then I speed through that crosswalk, throw the old TGI Fridays bird at them, and lower my Ray Bans down the bridge of my nose at the officer and ask, "Do I look like I can't afford your fucking ticket, Officer Pussy Dick?"

I may have changed my router name to "Don't You Fucking Think About Touching My Car, It's The Mercedes SLK 230- I mean 320," but that doesn't mean I've lost my center. I started seeing a Yogi. You might have heard of him. His name is Dave and he works at Whole Foods. He's helping me find my center. Don't worry. He does it for donations.

What's up, Dave?

That quinoa salad wrap I found on my car? That was me because I want to prove that I don't give a shit about status. I'm so far out of your box that you call culture that I threw my fifteen dollar salad wrap on my own car just to prove the victimization I face because of societal perception of my wealth and how it correlates to my personality to my friends.

Those friends? I don't even have them anymore. I bought better friends. They're called my Mercedes SLK 320, dummy.