Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Ace your next job interview

People often ask me, "Andrew, how is it you're so frickin' slick in interviews?"

First, I think to myself, What the fuck do you know about my frickin' slickin' in interviews? Then I think, Word must get around. 

So here they are, my tips on acing your next job interview.

How you present yourself is very important. It doesn't matter whether you're interviewing with a Fortune 500 or Jack in the Box, dress like you just rolled out of bed and forgot to masturbate. This puts a certain fire in your eyes and releases pheromones that tells your interviewer you mean business. Try to wear clothing that has a lingering weed smell. This shows you're better than your vices. So much better in fact, that you don't give a fuck who knows what you do on your own time. It's a free country.

Show up a little late, nobody wants some anal retentive asshole with sweaty palms waiting next to the secretary and breathing too loudly five minutes early. Get there five minutes late. The secretary will nod her head and think, "That person is CONFIDENT." Confidence is where it's at folks.

Turn the interview around. When the interviewer holds out his/her hand, cower away. Be dramatic. Back into a corner, shivering, and yelling, "Stop it, mom!" When the interviewer is visibly confused, just shrug and say, "I thought you were going to hit me." You now have the upper hand.

When the interviewer starts describing the company, shake your head and say, "That's not what my dad said."

Now, be aware of your surroundings. Did you notice a desk between you and the boss-man? Break down those barriers. Roll the swivel chair around to the boss-man's side. Face to face, knees touching. Never break eye contact.

Even better, ask the interviewer to explain something you saw in the hall. The interviewer will get out of his seat and when you both re-enter the room, take it. Who makes the rules? You do. This is a very aggressive move that foreshadows your intentions. You're saying, "I'm interviewing today, but tomorrow I'll be sitting here firing your ass." Don't say that. Just grimace.

Always comment on their family photos, but instead of saying, "Beautiful family, what are their names?" say something like, "Wow, you have a lot of pets. Can I have one?"

Always, always, always comment on the smell of the office. You can say things like, "This place smells like shit," or, "What the fuck fell out of your ass and farted in here?" or, "Don't you have Febreeze? It smells like the opposite of Febreeze. It smells like fucking shit," or, "Holy shit it smells like shit," or, "What kind of perfume is that? Ball sweat and shit au toilette?"

Comment on your appearances. Say, "I didn't want to overdress," as you sniff your armpits and continue, "I mean, this company is at the bottom of my list for jobs. Do you have a smoke I can bum?"

If the interviewer looks uncomfortable, say something like, "Do I make you uncomfortable?"

If the interviewer answers affirmatively, stand up, kick your chair, and say, "I knew I wasn't good enough!" Start crying and whimpering and saying things like, "I guess I'll just go home to my dying children and feed them my toenails for dinner!" When shit hits the fan, you have to go for the guilt trip hard.

I'd be surprised if you didn't get the job the next day, bud.

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