Sunday, February 12, 2017

Just in time for Valentine's Day! Love advice!

Tired of all the happy couples strolling around town, holding hands, and having public sex at every Jack In The Box dining room they can find? You don't have to be jealous! You can do it, too! Why go for regular fries when you can get super crispy, ultra sexy?

1. Stick a dirty sock in your love interest's back pocket. Make sure to write your phone number with a note that says, "Lost sock! If found, call (###)###-####." They'll call and you can say, "Hey, I know a great place that serves crispy fries. I know the owner. His name is Jack. Jack Inthebox."

2. Like photos of them from their college days at least four years ago on Facebook. Be sure to get the likes up to the double digits. This will blow up their phone and they will be forced to find out who is giving them so much wonderful attention! Just like Singing in the Rain!

3. Insert yourself into their memories! This is very important. If they say, "One time when I was at McDonald's this old lady asked me to wipe her ass for her." You say, "No, no, no. I was there. It was at a Jack in the Box and there was no old lady. It was me."

4. Find the tallest building in town. Climb to the top with a very large poster of your love interest's face. With a loudspeaker say, "DON'T MAKE ME JUMP FOR YOUR LOVE!" This will guilt them into at least one fish sandwich at Jack In The Box. And if fish isn't on the menu, maybe you can give them a little kiss.

5. Continually submit missed connections to your love interest on craigslist. Make them very specific like: "Barney Gumble, I am your co-worker, Zenith MacTastrophe. I am in love with you and would very much like to treat you to a couple of buttermilk ranch packets at Jack In The Box. I know the fry cook. He can give me them without charging ten cents."

6. Buy a wedding ring and wear it around. Unprompted, tell people it's a motivational wedding ring. Point to your love interest and say, "I'm going to marry that bitch right there."

7. Be exotic. Whenever possible, embellish your talents and interests. If someone asks you what your favorite animal is, say, "My unyielding sex drive. I masturbate ten times a day." If someone asks you what your favorite food is, say, "The dogs that are constantly chasing me in my dreams." If someone asks you why you're calling them at midnight, just breathe very heavily into the phone until you cry. 

Equipped with these tips and tricks, you'll find yourself eating from the brunch menu at Jack in the Box for two!

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