Monday, February 6, 2017

Super Size Me changed the world

Hey, look! A video and a text post! If you hate waiting through videos, just read the post. If you hate reading, watch the video. If you can't read, fuck you! You can't read this anyways!

Morgan Spurlock changed the world when he released Super Size Me.

The motherfucker doesn't even know it. Now he runs around in a fat suit and cries more when people recognize him than when they don't.

But that one glorious moment in 2004 changed the world. This was when John Kerry holding-in-a-fart voice still seemed to have a chance at annoying global leaders as the "leader of the free world." Well, friends. Morgan Spurlock made the world a little less free.

I go to McDonald's now and I see nutrition information. I look at the low calorie options and think, "Holy shit, the salad has 500 calories and the Big Mac meal only has 700. That's only 200 more for something that I actually stepped into a fucking McDonald's for."

When I was a kid I always ordered super size fries. Now I look into the mirror and say, "It could be worse."

What I'm saying is that movie is responsible for fast food chains even bothering with salads. It's also responsible for John Kerry forcing his wife to step down from the Heinz cartel. And now a fast food slogging flesh robot is President.

I love fast food.

Let me tell you how Morgan Spurlock changed the world.

In 2004, we were okay. We fucked up with George W. Bush but we were on our way to correcting it. Ol' Johnny Burp Vocals was putting crowds into intense trances all throughout the campaign.

Then this fucking movie comes along and wakes up the sleeping demons of the American electorate. We're not going to give up our goddamn fast food but we had to put up with the morning shows following every dildo who "disproved" that Morgan Spurlock couldn't get a boner anymore after eating McDonald's for thirty days. Some of these people included a person who ate McDonald's for a week and exercised. Not exactly following a similar regimen but, sure, go ahead Mr. Fartknocker. Prove to the world you still look like no American ever with your goddamned muscles and your smug self satisfaction.

We were inundated with this shit.

We went to McDonald's for an escape and what the hell were we confronted with? We were confronted with banners proclaiming that they had salads and nutritional information available upon request. They also added the great feature of getting rid of the super size.

Friends, this made us irritable. This made us question our neighbor's political lawn sign. This made us vote for other candidates out of spite. This caused us to throw rocks at each other. We sat at opposite ends of the McDonald's dining room and stared holes into each other's hearts. We went mad.

We just wanted to eat in peace, knowing full well we were doing the equivalent of smoking cigarettes. It was useless escapism. It was a small middle finger to death but a huge 'fuck you' to life. More than the teenager drinking shitty beer, we were teenagers truly living on the edge. We were eating Chicken McNuggets and more than the daily recommended amount at that!

You know who else was eating at McDonald's?

Donald Trump.

Yeah, that Donald Trump.

Guess what he was doing?

Getting as angry as we all were.

Nobody wants a fucking salad, Morgan Spurlock. If I wanted a healthy cigarette, I'd be wearing hemp sandals, listening to Bob Marley, and smoking weed. We knew what we wanted.

Now we have Donald Trump, a product of our fast food wars. He's the pink slime of chicken nuggets left uncooked for too long and became sentient; a perfect amalgamation of our collective hatred for each other.

By getting rid of the super size, you fuck, you created a super super big league size. And now we're all eating salad at McDonald's. Get it? It means we're eating shit. We don't want to eat it.

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