President's Day is a day for Americans to reflect on a long, unbroken chain of exceptional sales throughout our nation's history. Here are just a few to think about while your flip flops gently flap against your disgusting feet, you no good, jobless hippie.
1. Tom's Feed Store Half Off grain sale of 1800.
Tom was a simple man. In fact, sales on President's Day can be traced all the way back to him. Grain was in abundance thanks to the great trade war of 1798. While skinning a cat, halfway through Tom thought, "this cat's half off just like my grain sale!" And thus, the first Geico commercial was born. It was a hit with the local folk so much so that Tom came up with new door busters every year until he died at the hand of a coward who shot him in the back and took his lady.
2. Millard Filmore hosts a cheese and wine bacchanal at his local 7-11.
President's Day sales at 7-11 are no longer common because a Japanese conglomerate now owns it. They have Emperor Respect Holy Time Forever Deluxe Extra Special Day across the puddle, as they say. But in old F-more's day, they were quite common. Where Millard wanted a Slim Jim and some Barefoot wine, he'd call his donkey and they'd ride to 7-11. The manager got a great idea to throw a party every time the President came in on President's Day. If you bought the President some Hot Cheetos, Skittles, and some High Life, you got a free scratch off and an extra portion of nacho cheese. Needless to say, condoms were invented shortly after this tradition started.
3. George HW Bush sacrifices a baby at a WalMart
Surprisingly little is known about why HW did sacrifice a baby at a Walmart on President's Day but Walmart accountants reported a tenfold increase in sales of microwaveable chicken nuggets. HW never repeated the act but did honor the baby by making macaroni portraits of it every President's Day thereafter.
Happy Trump Day everyone!