Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Scientifically Proven, Time-Tested Advice On How to Get Your Workplace Happy Again From Leading Synergy Experts!
Hey there, folks! Welcome to another episode of Synergetic Happiness Strategies or SyHaSt, for short and stupid!
We here at SyHaSt like to think that you like to think we're experts. We like that we like to think that you like to think that! It gives us that sweet, sweet, exposure on the Influencer Markets which rates Pure Bullshits with Unadulterated Profitability! And we want you to profit!
Here are some time-tested ways to get your office happy again.
1. The boss gots to bring a TUNA SALAD and leave in the office refrigerator! Your commoner workfolk will point fingers about the smell for WEEKS at each other. But here's the best part, nobody will clean it up! The smell will get so bad that they avoid lunch breaks altogether and their paranoia and suspicions will stop them from talking to each other when they should be SHITTING OUT EXCEL SPREADSHEETS FOR YOU, the BOSS!
2. Call in the same person to your office every day. Stare at their eyes in silence. When they start to shift uncomfortably or fidget like they're about to get up just shake your head very, very slowly without averting your gaze. After about fifteen minutes, laugh like he just told the best racist joke you ever heard and slap him on the back as you walk him out of the office. To him, it's a power move. You neuter him on the reg. To your workfolk, it's a sign of favoritism. They will bite each other's butt holes to get into that room with you. Look around the office. Everyone is happy. Everyone has a job. There are no robots coming yet.
3. Fire the coffee boy. Nobody needs a coffee boy in the world of automation. Have you ever heard of a little machine called MR. COFFEE? Put a sign next to it that says, "CAN'T WAIT TO BUY A MR. WORKER!"
4. Choose the most inept employee to scream out, "Hey, Bud! How are you liking that little raise, huh? Should help with your little coke problem!" This creates competition among your workers. Your spreadsheets will look fabulous. Regional is going to love you!
5. Stop showing up altogether. Instead, install 40 inch Vizio HDTVs all over the office with your face Skyped in, eyes darting around, saying things like, "Good, good, good. Bad, bad, bad. FUCK!" Lead office wide jumping jacks but do not participate. Complain that MR. COFFEE does a better job than any of its human counterparts. Announce your intention to turn this regional sales office into a MR. COFFEE coffee shop. A self-serve coffee shop. You'd make more money and you'd be jumping on the trend to de-bohemianize everything. It's coming.
Hope you enjoyed our advice from Leading Synergy Efficiency Experts. Remember, a happy worker is one with a job.
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