Tuesday, March 7, 2017

I reached a higher level of consciousness thanks to my car alarm

I reached a higher level of consciousness thanks to my car alarm.

Some people might call this state nirvana, or enlightenment, or chakra-unity, or an all marshmallow box of Lucky Charms. I call this higher state of consciousness, "I think my ears are bleeding."

After work last night, I'd say around 1:30 in the morning, I went to my car like normal. It was a good night; we were busy so I was bone-tired. I get into my car and, for the first time ever, a loud audible alarm goes off. It was my understanding that the car's alarm was so old that it was inaudible. I had seen this soundless alarm go off before on my car and all it took was unplugging the battery and plugging it back in. I left a socket wrench in my trunk for this purpose.

What I didn't know was that when the loud, colon cleansing alarm is going off, you cannot open your trunk. This was the first of my trials before the holy stigmata was bestowed upon me. I was able to start my car and drive home like a total asshole with my alarm going off.

I get home. It's close to 2 in the morning. My alarm is going off. I go inside to tell Nina, "Don't worry, it's just me making sure the whole neighborhood wants to kill us!"

Lucky for me, I could conceal the location of banshee scream of my car in the garage. I fucked with the alarm, I tried to get the batter off with a screwdriver (don't do it), I tried to do it was a regular wrench (the positioning is such that you can't make a full revolution). I tried everything I could to do this without having to go to Wal-Mart at 2:30 in the morning.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I was not smart enough to think of going to Wal-Mart at 2:30 in the morning. Nina, in a perpetual state of all-knowingness, came out of her slumber to throw me her keys and tell me I could probably buy a socket wrench at Wal-Mart. Like every ape with a wrench in his hand, I didn't like people giving me way better ideas than I had but I accepted that I was beat. I accepted her keys and drove to Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart at this time is a lot like Wal-Mart at any other time. There was a homeless person at the door. There were people buying energy drinks. There were workers not working. This, my friends, is Wal-Mart in its purest, most beautiful, most essential state. You are walking into another realm.

"Where are the tools?" I asked a pair of workers.

"What'd you say?" One of them scowled at me.

I scanned their attire to make sure I didn't make the mistake of assuming that the only two people walking with purpose in Wal-Mart worked there. They were both wearing those vests.

"You know, wrenches and shit." I said that. I did. I was annoyed and I knew my car alarm was still opening up portals to hell in my garage with my well-armed neighbors ready to demonstrate the merits of the 2nd Amendment on my dumb ass.

"Yeah, in the back."

The back. The back! Everything's at the back of everywhere you're looking. That is the first lesson of my ascension into sainthood.

Of course, I find the socket wrenches. There are a lot to choose from but I figure that going for the cheapest shit would still be paying too much but whatever. Self-checkout, etc, etc, etc. Blah, blah, blah.

I get to my house. I look around to make sure there are no neighbors hiding in the shadows of my house readying to leap and turn my face into fertilizer right after I shit my pants. Nobody. God herself must be smiling upon my misfortune! Fucking asshole.

I unplug the battery. The alarm shuts off!

For a second.

Then the backup alarm goes off. Nothing works. Nothing works.

I lost my cool, folks. I lost my cool. I was turning cucumbers into pickles and putting them into the microwave, if you know what I mean. I kicked the car and said, "Fuck this fucking car!"

After thirty more minutes of trying in vain to shut this thing up, I decide it's time to give up. I call AAA to see if they can do anything. Of course not. I enter my house defeated. I throw my clothes off in anger. I furiously search my problem online and confirm my worst suspicions: I am utterly helpless and nothing can save me.

The alarm went off all night, folks, and I went through various stages of hearing the alarm, thinking it finally went off only to get up to realize that no, it's still loud as shit. I got to a point where I was imagining the sound while hearing the sound. I got to the point that the alarm made me feel like my nose was bleeding.

I got to my knees and cried out, "Why?! Why, God?!"

I checked NextDoor to make sure my neighbors weren't plotting against me. They were smarter than plotting in the open.

Long story short, I got a tow truck out here at 10am this morning and I am now a being that is in full communication with all dimensions. I am in full understanding of mortal terror. I have seen Hell and it is a sound.

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