13 things only people who click this link will read

1. On the days I don't wear socks with my shoes, I can feel my feet wish they were hands.

Art by Jack Arambula, words by yours truly

2. Eating & Reading is a commentary on rampant global consumerism and the decision one has to make between self-discovery (reading) and putting a down payment on pooping (eating).

3. Jesus didn't walk on water. This misconception is based on a mistranslation. Jesus actually went down a Slip n' Slide.

4. You won't believe what happens next...

5. Nothing happens.

6. Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing will publish my next book, Invasion of the Weirdos, this year. 

7. I'm currently working a two things: the sequel to Bangface and a new road trip to Hell novella called The Pasternaks.

8. As of this moment, President Obama is still our President.

9. Pence is still Vice President Elect and working on his exit as the keytar-ist for the Chuck E. Cheese family band. 

10. Donald Trump is giving a crazy straw the ol' Trump Try.

Photoshop by Elizabeth Jackson

11. By the way, I own TrumpTry.com and I'm trying to figure out what to do with it.

12. How does BuzzFeed do it?

13. This whole article is obviously filler. How do you fill filler with more filler? Let's take notes.