Donald Trump Attends A Children's Literacy Fundraiser

"Here, uh, Mr. President... you'll be reading the part of Eric the Elephant. The kids will love it. You know, seeing the Commander-in-Chief wearing an elephant trunk for a nose." Reince Preibus pulled out the trunk from his coat pocket.

Trump smiled and chuckled.

"Oh, sure," he said, "That'll be great. Real great. The best great. The cameras will love it, won't they?" Trump pulled the elastic string and put the trunk over his nose.

"It'll probably get you some better favorables," Reince Preibus leaned in to whisper to Trump. "God knows we need them with this whole wall thing."

"I don't like the way it dangles so close to my fucking mouth." Trump waved it around. "It's too dangly." Trump turned it upright on his face. "My eyes... I don't know. Maybe they're a little cross but that fucking thing was basically in my mouth."

Reince's face went white. "Sir, uh, it looks pretty erect. I don't know if that'll play well." Reince reached over and turned the trunk back to its original dangly position.

"No way, Reince. I can taste the damn thing." The President turned it back to an upright position.

A few of the Children Can Read folks rushed backstage. "Hey, Reince! We're on in a minute! Let's get everything ready."

Reince nodded as he fashioned the trunk back in the dangle position. "Mr. President. Trust me."

"No fucking way." President Trump made it erect again.

One of the producers came back again, barking something into a headset. "Mr. President, please keep it facing downward, just like it does in nature. Okay? Okay?"

Reince made it dangle again.

"It keeps hitting my lips," Trump said. "I've seen elephants put their trunks up. Don't tell me there are no elephants that keep their trunk up. They should if they don't. It makes much more sense. You're telling me they let this thing flop around all day? No way."

He put it back in the upright position.

The producer shook his head.

"Mr. President, I implore you to put it back down. If you go out on stage like that, the news programs are going to have to blur it out. It looks, god dammit... It looks like you have a fucking boner for a nose."

"The news media! Please! They never liked me anyways. They'll blur it out. Whatever! We'll simulcast this on WH.gov right, Reince?"

"Yes, sir."

The producer shrugged. "Okay, you're on in five... four... three... two... one."

The curtain opened up and the audience of three to ten year olds burst out in laughter. The President took a bow.